01 August 2018

The Thesis Saga (Part 3)


...part 2 here...

That was my induction to the wonderful (yet torturing) world of the outdoors. In my mind, I was thinking of a brutal escape that could pressure the memories of my un-corrected thesis to the back of my mind. A daunting exercise that is so intense it could make me stop feeling and thinking about my thesis. I planned to forget about it all until the day I became courageous enough to face the traumatic experience again. 

I wasn’t really planning to quit, but I also could not see how to go further with my graduate studies. I was put in a limbo, couldn’t be budged between the two extremes. I ceased any contact with my supervisor, because I was feeling guilty for not submitting the correction on time (or maybe at all). Yiing Chiee told me that my supervisor had met her once and expressed her worries about me. It left me feeling somewhat forlorn, but the sadness couldn’t be translated into motivation. I hated the situation even more. 

I found my escapism in doing outdoor activities. But outdoor wasn’t only bringing me the escapism that I needed, it offers me something else that I didn’t see coming – friendships; and a sense of belonging. In a plot twist clearly could only be thought of by God, for somebody who was timid and awkwardly awkward, it was from the outdoor activities that I began to meet a lot of people and made new friends, gaining bit by bit of confidence by breaking free from my comfort zone.

The first GEMA activity that introduced me to the majority of the GEMA members was Explorace and Caving in Batu Maloi. That was when my path started to go to an entirely different new direction. I got to know Naufal, the president of GEMA, who through another plot twist another year later, became my current manager at the workplace. Azahari was the 2nd GEMA member who joins my workplace after Fareez – clearly from another plot twist. 

In 2016, I accidentally met my supervisor when I was out buying food. She was screaming my name from across the street and I was caught off guard. “I really hope you could graduate this year together with Samad.” She was gentle, but there was a hopeful underlying tone to her voice. Samad was another student of hers. “Don’t worry doctor, I’m not going to desert my studies.” I reaffirmed her when I didn’t even know how to commit to my words. 

Before I could even process that chance meeting with her, I heard another breaking news about my supervisor. She was going to take sabbatical leave for 9 months. She won’t be around in the faculty and she asked me to submit my corrections later that year – to which I still failed to comply. Nobody knows why she took the leave, especially me. The truth wasn’t revealed to me until several months later from a friend of mine in the faculty, when I learnt that she took the sabbatical leave after she had an ugly quarrel with my thesis examination chairman. 

My examination chairman was very critical of my thesis on the day of my viva voce and I was sure he won’t endorse my corrections until it reached a certain standard in his book. Hearing the news makes me squirm even more. Even during the calmer days, I’m not confident of finishing my studies. Now this? With my supervisor not around and my chairman is now not on good terms with her, I fell deeper into despair. 

It’s easy to pretend to forget everything when you’re away from the center of what’s happening. Being away from the people, the university and the life feels a bit liberating, though I could still feel there are strings attaching me to the faculty.

I met again my roommate once or twice later in between 2016 and 2017, when I subscribed for a unit trust scheme with him, but I could never really be honest with him about my studies status. His concerns about my studies were as strong as mine, so I knew he’s going to be disappointed to learn that I hadn’t completed it. Though he did know, and I knew he knew, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to talk about it. 

In 2016, I conquered my first ever G7 mountain, Yong Yap in August, followed by the 2nd and 3rd; Korbu and Gayong in November. It was the culmination of my frustration and my thinking that perhaps, being pushed to the extreme could change me somehow, and specifically to shove me into making a solid decision about my thesis. The extreme conditions while hiking did put me somewhat stressed out during the moment, yet it really forced every unhappy memory to be leashed out together with the pressure. Instead of pushing the memories to the back of my head, the pressure was actually forcing them to the front. 

During the whole trip, the dread for not completing my studies accompanied me to the very end, but I often found strength from the faces of my teammates. I felt like I was saved from being a total wreck both in my life and on the mountains by those people. 

Early in 2017, on my 10th registered semester, I joined my first ever GEMA retreat in Linggi, Malacca. During a so-called confessionals session, a dear GEMA member opened up, in tears, about her emotions feeling like she had experienced burn out from supporting GEMA and its activities. 

There I felt like I received a sign from the universe when an ex GEMA Pusat’s President shared with us, how he had struggled finishing his Master studies in a period of 5 years, while having to juggle his life and his participation in his usrah circle. I was exactly in that position, only that he finishes his studies during the 10th semester, while I was sitting there contemplating my uncomplete business with the university at the end of my 5th year run, now well into the sixth. 

Something that he said to the said GEMA member struck me like a thunder:
“It doesn’t matter if you want to take a break from this for a while, it’s okay, but just never forget to come back.”

In my mind, the memories of the past 5 years were running like a movie. Am I taking a break now? – I asked myself. If then, when will I return? 

 ..to be continued

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