The Thesis Saga (Part 2)

....Part 1 here....

My 60 days was up on 16^th June 2015. I thought if it was meant to be, then something would’ve happened on that day. I was half expecting a call from the School of Graduate Studies urging me to send in the corrections. But nothing happened on that day and the days, weeks, and even months following. Nobody ever said anything again about the corrections, not at least from the school.

My friends though, thought I’ve completed everything. So when I told one of them that I haven’t sent in the corrected thesis, he angrily exclaimed “Bangang!”.

The thought of having a Master’s degree now is an uncertainty. I could never tell if I would finish it, because let’s face it, worse than failure is the unwillingness to carry through. Failure is external, motivation is internal. You could always change the outcome, when you wanted to. At that point of life, I wasn't sure if I wanted to anymore. I thought maybe I should just get on with my life, forget altogether the dream of having the scroll in my hands before the Great Halls with confetti flying in the background, standing proud cladded in my convocation robe, having both cheeks kissed by either of my parents. 

I forced myself to touch the thesis scribbled with the examiners’ comments whenever I mustered enough courage to do so. The one from the external examiners especially were folded here and there, earmarked, with notations all over the place right from the front cover. Just imagining the viva day again, my body shivers in shame. I was embarrassed, deeply gutted. Even looking back at it now, I could not say I was wrong. My feelings were valid. The fear was the truth of myself, a result of the circumstances. None of them seemed ridiculous, even right now. 

I felt so stupid and inadequate. The helplessness from not having a clear guide out of this mess crippled me. I closed again the thesis when the emotions overwhelmed me. No, I could not do this – I thought to myself.

 I remember every day tiring myself out with work to forget that I had a thesis waiting to be corrected, only for the anxiety to come flushing in at nights just before I closed my eyes. During weekends, whenever I am alone in my room, I sometimes cried myself out feeling so stirred up inside. 

My roommate got married and graduated that year, and during his convocation, I was trapped in a traffic jam at the MINES junction. I called him to congratulate him while my car was right under the flyover, rains pouring in from the sky. There was a solemnness in our voices, recognizing that there was now a gap between us, that he was moving on at a steady tempo while I somehow, fell through the cracks. We should be graduating together this year and we should be congratulating each other while thinking, we were so silly worrying about this because now that we both have graduated, it all falls into place finally - we've got this all along. It was true on his part on that day, but not mine. None of us breached the subject on his convocation day. 

The strong feelings motivated me hard enough to write a novel during this year. It was the only medium I know of to pour my heart out, especially during the lone year I was enduring when I had a falling out with most of my friends. The transition from my student days to working life has dramatically changed everything, and I couldn’t keep up. Dialog Orang Muda was written during this phase of my life, and I finished writing it on 29^th February 2016. It was a continuation to the 4 short stories that I wrote while doing my Master’s, and I decided to tie the plots to my own life, until it reaches its conclusion on the day I parted ways with my roommate. 

Time passed by, and 7 months after my viva, I decided to do something major in my life. I met Fareez at my new workplace. Fareez was a member to an outdoor enthusiasts society, sometimes taking leaves so he could hike mountains. He was busy almost on every weekend with outdoor activities. I was bugging him to let me join him, but he was skeptical at first. I never looked the outdoor-sy part. But I was adamant. The reason being I took Environmental Science for my first degree was because I didn’t want to be confined to this urban lifestyle. I always wanted to break free from the shackles of the mundane routine of the city and be within the embrace of nature. 

Fareez first warms up to the idea of me joining him in March 2016. He invites me to join his camping trip to Blue Lagoon, Port Dickson for one night and on the dawn of the next day, we would hike up the Bukit Batu Putih which overlooks the Malacca Strait. This is where I was first introduced to GEMA Selangor Backpackerz (and I thought the z was so pretentious).


...to be continued