PLKN Memories (1)

Karofsky. Saya terkejut. Ini ialah suatu kebetulan. Oh malunya. Disebabkan dia seorang yang biadab, perasaan kasihan tidak mampu hadir. Saya berasa terhina. Berulang kali saya katakan kepada diri sendiri, dia tidak bermaksud demikian. Dan kadang-kala pula saya menafikan ia pernah berlaku. Tetapi saya berasa semakin takut bila berhampiran dengannya.

Peristiwa malam itu sesuatu yang saya kuncikan di dalam hati; supaya menjaga maruahnya, dan juga saya terutamanya.

Saya yakin, jika saya menceritakannya kepada orang lain, mereka tidak akan percaya. Barangkali mereka akan mendakwa bahawa itu semua hanyalah mimpi atau khayalan saya semata-mata. Ini pernah berlaku dulu. Maka lebih baik saya berdiam diri dan berpura-pura ia tidak berlaku. Sekurang-kurangnya, saya terselamat.

Siapa yang akan percayakan saya? Saya pendiam dan tidak ramai kawan ketika itu. Apa yang dia miliki adalah sebaliknya. Pengaruh, kawan-kawan yang juga berpengaruh, keyakinan diri. Saya yakin tuduhan yang saya akan lemparkan kepadanya hanya akan menjadi bahan lawak mereka. Ini hanya akan menjadi perlawanan yang tidak adil antara kami. Saya mungkin akan diejek dengan lebih teruk sehingga hari tamat latihan.

Dan bila sudah semakin dewasa, setelah membaca, menonton banyak drama (Glee terutamanya), saya tidak menyangka apa yang dilakukannya dulu hanyalah untuk menarik perhatian saya. Segala penghinaan yang dia lemparkan dulu hanya supaya saya akan memandangnya, memberi sedikit perhatian kepadanya, memberi sedikit harapan kepadanya.

Tetapi dia sungguh biadab, dan saya tidak suka dihina di hadapan khalayak. Juga saya tidak pernah terfikir bahawa pemikirannya berbeza dengan pemikiran saya. Dia terdesak. Saya hanyalah mangsa mudah. Dia tahu saya tidak mampu berlari pergi.

Tapi saya tidak berasa diri saya menarik kepadanya, bahkan kepada sesiapa pun, baik perempuan mahupun lelaki. Saya ketika itu botak, gemuk dan pasif, tidak ubah seperti sami. Entah bahagian mana mendorongnya kepada saya, itu sesuatu yang saya tidak mahu fikirkan. Dan saya berasa jijik dengan idea bahawa kami bersama.

Saya terpaksa hidup dalam bayang-bayangnya. Setiap yang saya lakukan perlu dilakukan dengan diam, tanpa menarik perhatiannya. Sekiranya dia mengejek saya, saya perlu biarkan. Saya tidak akan memberi harapan atau perhatian walau sekelumit. Ketika itu saya hanya ingin dia mengerti bahawa segala yang dia lakukan adalah silap, bahawa saya tidak mungkin akan didekati dengan cara itu. Bahawa saya juga mempunyai maruah dan harga diri.

Jika ingin berkawan, saya sentiasa membuka hati saya. Lagipun, kami tinggal dalam dorm yang sama dan sama-sama lelaki. Tidak ada silapnya jika berkawan baik. Tetapi tidak mungkin lebih daripada itu. Itu langsung tidak pernah saya fikirkan.

Hal ini seolah-olah menyebabkan dia semakin sakit hati; lalu bertambah mengejek dan menghina saya. Kesakitan dan perasaan malu yang dia akibatkan kepada saya hanya menambah jurang antara kami.

Anehnya, kami tidak pernah berbicara. Cuma sekali dia menegur ketika tali pinggang yang saya pakai terbalik, dan itu dilakukannya dengan sungguh sopan dan saya membalas dengan senyuman dan ucapan terima kasih. Tetapi minggu-minggu berikutnya sesudah peristiwa itu sikapnya berubah langsung.

Setelah malam yang (hampir) ngeri itu, saya berulang kali cuba meminta ditukarkan bilik, tetapi permohonan saya ditolak akibat tiada alasan kukuh.

Saya sedaya upaya cuba merahsiakan apa yang berlaku, kerana risiko yang perlu ditanggung sekiranya perkara ini diketahui ramai. Ini bukan setakat membabitkan maruah kami, tetapi maruah kompeni, jurulatih, kawan-kawan kami. Saya cuma berani bercerita kepada rakan karib saya untuk bertanyakan pendapat.

Saya sama sekali keliru dengan apa yang harus dilakukan, kerana tiada jalan keluar bagi saya tanpa menyakitkan sesiapa, melainkan berhadapan dengannya setiap hari dan menerima setiap penghinaannya dengan hati yang terbuka. Tetapi tidak pernah saya berfikir untuk menyerah diri kepadanya.

Saya menganggap kelakuannya sebagai cabaran. Tetapi tidak pernah juga saya berharap dia akan dihukum. Saya hanya ingin keadaan menjadi normal; dan dia tidak perlu lagi mengganggu saya.

Sekiranya dia terbaca apa yang saya tuliskan, saya hanya ingin katakan bahawa saya tidak berdendam. Saya sudah lama memaafkannya. Mungkin sewajarnya saya merasa kasihan, kerana saya faham perasaan malu akibat ditolak. Juga kerana dia mempunyai masalah dengan identitinya sendiri, dan dia terpaksa berpura-pura di hadapan kawan-kawannya yang lain. Saya yakin sehingga kini, tiada seorang pun daripada kawan-kawannya yang mengetahui apa yang dia pernah cuba lakukan terhadap saya.

Setelah tamat latihan, saya merasa cukup bahagia. Saya memulakan hidup baru dengan pengalaman lama yang mengajar erti baru kehidupan. Setiap bab ketika PLKN saya abadikan ke dalam minda, dan selalunya menggamit perasaan. Sungguh sewaktu itu sedang masih muda remaja, dan segala pengalaman di situ sukar untuk ditukarganti. Saya tidak langsung mengingatinya, cuma pada sedikit detik ketika mengingati kisah lama.

Setiap kali mengingatinya, saya cuba berfikir siapa sebenarnya dia? Mengapa ini semua berlaku? Apa yang telah terjadi kepadanya? Kenapa saya?

Semua persoalan itu masih belum berjawab, dan saya hanya berharap sekurang-kurangnya saya tidak akan bertemu dengan sesiapa yang sepertinya lagi. Dan inilah kali pertama saya menceritakan perkara ini kepada orang lain, selain kepada kawan saya itu. Saya tidak pernah menyangka, seorang pembuli itu kadangkala menyembunyikan sesuatu ketika mereka menganiaya orang lain, dan kadangkala mereka membuli kerana rahsia yang mereka pendamkan itu.

Dan dalam dunia ini, ramai Karofsky sedang berjalan di kalangan kita.

My Birthday!

NOVEMBER BABY
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.
See? I am that special peeps! Haha! Assalamualaikum and a very good day I bid to you guys dear readers! Just want to announce that today is my birthday! 
OK, so what do I do to celebrate my birthday? I seriously don’t have anything to hope for this year. I’m not hoping for celebration, presents. Maybe just wishes with best intentions la kot!
To be true, I am quite moody these past few weeks, but wishes from people on my Wall and on my cellphone really had cheered me up. Terima kasih you guys! N most especially to my family, n my sister for bringing me out today and bought me more books from Big Bad Wolf Books. Terbaik!
I never thought that random people wishing you happy birthday on your Wall can make you happy, but this time it did. Seriously. I felt liked and celebrated though there is no real celebration taking place this time. Oh, nak habis dah hari ni. Kena cepat post sebelum masuk 27/11.
SERIOUSLY, NO HOPING FOR ANYTHING?
Umm, maybe adalah harap sikit-sikit. Untuk dapat selesaikan Master dengan sempurna, nak cepat dapat Ph.D and banggakan Mak dengan Abah. Apart from that, tak sanggup berharap sangat. Biarlah orang tak celebrate pun, janji dah dapat best wishes hati pun senang. Sebab semua doakan saya, so itu pun dah jadi hadiah. Lagipun, sekarang saya bersyukur dengan apa yang Allah bagi. Alhamdulillah!
Tapi yang tak best time hari jadi tak dapat balik rumah, sebab besok ada kelas. Waddehek kelas time Awal Muharam kan? Nak buat macam mana, inilah nasib perantau mencari ilmu. Sobs3. Dugaan…
Untuk yang wish, though there’s no real present, tapi your wishes are enough. Love you guys and I wish the same thing for you guys! 
N untuk Dadad, Selamat Hari Lahir dari Ami Lang! Dadad besok dah umur 3 tahun, jangan nakal-nakal tau. Jangan pukul Syasya dah. Nanti Ami Lang dah kaya Ami Lang kasi kereta mainan. Tau?
 

LiveJournal Tags: bithday

Sesuatu yang berubah

Ada sesuatu yang saya tidak katakan kepada kamu selepas kita pulang dari situ suatu masa dahulu. Ada sesuatu yang saya pendamkan tentang mimpi saya tentang kamu.
Ada suatu rasa yang aneh telah berani menapak ke dada saya. Suara alam yang mengubah hidup kita seratus lapan puluh darjah.
Saya harus katakan, sewajarnya sebelum terlambat. Dan kita sudah semakin mampir kepada kelewatan. Kita harus kembali.

Still Reminds Me

 
“I've done some walking
Listen to the people talk on the street
I don't feel lonely
I saw some movies
But your face kept coming back on the screen
I think I'm crazy
Can't make decisions
I could use some more distractions today“
Potong rambut. Jalan-jalan. Anything untuk membuatkan saya lupa seketika. Untuk membuatkan saya berbeza untuk sekejap. Untuk rasa lebih gembira. Saya jumpa kaunselor. Tapi akhirnya saya yang membantu dia.
“Kedatangan awak ke sini adalah anugerah untuk saya” – katanya kepada saya. Apa yang patut saya buat selain diam? Mata saya memandang ke luar tingkap, tidak ke mata Puan Kaunselor. Hujan di luar merembes. Oh, kena lari balik fakulti! Segala kata-katanya ke telinga saya selepas itu hanyalah dodoian yang merdu.
Saya berlaku jujur. Mengaku di manakah yang silap. Berdoa. Setiap kali kesakitan itu datang, saya menyebut nama Tuhan. Walau saya cuba menangis, mata saya begitu angkuh untuk mengalah. Saya cuba berbicara dengan diri sendiri. Tetapi hati saya begitu keras untuk memberi kerjasama. Setiap kali saya cuba menyelam ke dasar, saya akan dipantul keluar.
Awak. Awak tau. Sebabnya hanyalah awak. Saya berjalan dalam hujan. Cairan gel kuning daripada kedai gunting mencair, masuk dalam mata saya. Pedih. Saya berlari menyeberang jalan raya. Kereta Saga hitam dari jauh dah hon saya. Apa saya peduli? Pengalaman saya adalah dedikasi kepada awak.
Saya berjalan tepi koridor. Si tukang kasut pandang saya. Saya senyum. Dia mengelak. Saya rasa nak tegur dia. “Encik, saya baru sedekah dekat Encik. Sedekahlah dekat saya semula!” – mujur saya masih ada rasa hormat kepada dirinya dan kepada diri saya. Awak. Kenapa semua benda yang saya buat semuanya begitu kecil dengan bandingan kesakitan yang awak bagi?
Walaupun baju saya basah, walaupun kereta nak langgar saya, walaupun mata saya pedih sebab gel kedai gunting, dalam otak saya hanya ada awak. Tempat yang awak sentuh masih berbekas, luka. Berdarah. Sakit.
Awak. Harijadi saya dah dekat. Saya tak peduli awak akan sambut atau tak. Tapi saya takut pada harijadi saya nanti awak akan bagi ‘hadiah’ dekat saya. Hadiah yang akan membuatkan parut dalam dada saya merekah semula. Berita pertunangan awak, mungkin?
Awak, ada sesuatu yang saya belum pernah bagitau. Tentang saya. Tentang kita. Sebelum terlambat, saya nak bagitau awak. Saya nak bagitau awak perasaan saya yang sebenarnya. Biar awak dengar sendiri depan-depan. Saya tau saya tak sempurna untuk awak. Sebab tu awak pilih dia. Walaupun hati awak mungkin dah takde pada saya. Tapi perasaan yang saya ada untuk awak ikhlas, walau tak mungkin sempurna. Tapi sampai sekarang saya tak sampai hati nak cakap. Saya penakut.
Bila hujan menimpa atas baju saya, saya akan selalu ingat hari ini. Selalu ingat awak yang saya fikir sewaktu Saga hitam tu hon saya. Saya akan ingat awak untuk semua perkara yang awak ingatkan saya. Selalu ingat kepada kesedihan yang awak sebabkan, dan bahagia yang pernah awak bagi. Dan saya akan ingat selalu, bahawa setiap pertemuan itu akhirnya ialah perpisahan.
 

LiveJournal Tags: heartbreak

this is where I leave you

 

I gazed absent-mindedly through the window of the car. I was resting a few good minutes after painstakingly reading Jonathan Tropper’s This Is Where I Leave You throughout the darkness of the road with the illumination of my Nokia 5230 backlight, which I occasionally had to tap on whenever it’s dimming out. And to top that was the ever constantly shaking car speeding through bumpers and uneven rood surface; making way past the unfamiliar, empty streets of the Kuala Lumpur suburbs.

Oh well. It’s dark outside. The trees, hills, streetlights and some other cars moved along. This after-gloom of reading something emotional captivated my senses and emotions as well. It made me feel lonesome, in not a very good way.

And as were the many a night before of the same atmosphere and heartbreak effectively created by my reading, my mind flowed effortlessly to think of the current life I’m living. My pathetic, lifeless life. The words of the book floated from the pages, surrounding me with a mist of vivid motions and movements. Encapsulating me into a world with only me, my emotions and the drama. I began to reflect my life as an image of the book.

It has been exactly seven weeks since I enrolled my Master’s degree. Which so to speak, didn’t turned quite that well, yet.

Every single day I lived through just another day to get by. I was too lazy to live. No motivations, no exact objectives to achieve. I wake up every day with no apparent reason, just to live another day so that the day after, I would also live another day for the day afterwards and so that every day afterwards I can whine about all the days that have passed and tell how boring my life had been. And the cycle goes on. Perhaps, just perhaps, this cycle would stop the day I found myself again. Or worse, it would only stop the day I lost my life.

I was tipsy, dreamy, and angry. I was lonely and sad. I concluded that my life has been a big bad joke. Or maybe a very bad mistake. Or maybe a disappointment. Or maybe just a deception. Or maybe all of them. I felt like a ghost, with that sort of immediate insignificance. Shadowy, unseen. Soulless. A passerby of the mortal world. An outside witness. Or maybe like an animal, alive but lowly.

I go out with my friends. Chilling out, telling hilarious jokes. Teasing each other with mouthful curses. Yet I couldn’t seem to participate full heartedly in every occasion. Like my presence is just a matter of number. Between us, there are tiny pieces of closeness and comfort falling off one by one, each by every wrong word spoken, or rather, by every word not spoken, and by every thought contradictory to the others’.

We drifted apart, away from each other. From being a shelter of comfort zone, we are colliding each other not deliberately; sparking conflicts in between. We are strangers again. Being careful with every talk and walk; not to offend. Somehow, we don’t understand each other anymore. Or maybe they don’t understand me, or I don’t understand them. Because we’ve changed a lot, that what we have with us are only some faded memories, and the distance between the memories and the present is a long break of self discovery and the tearing away of one’s self boundaries.

I thought about all the good times. All the camps, feasts, vacations, fieldworks. The memories we are together in. The laughs, the jokes. I felt shockingly sad.

Everything didn’t seem like it was important anymore. The euphoria, the food, the courses I’m taking, the love yet to be found. The books I’m reading and I’ve read. The people that I know, and knew. The festivities, celebrations, anniversaries and convocations. My bed. My clothes. To put it in a nutshell, I feel drifted away from life itself.

With no money to live on, or a certain place to call home, life is just lived half alive. I learned to not cry because it won’t resolve anything. And more importantly, I’m not sad. I’m just bored.

I’ve just figured out that my living here has no foothold. No anchor. There is just no strong factor to keep going. Listlessly, I’ve been thinking that I should do something. Busying myself with anything, so that I would have some reason to live. But I am too lazy to move. Too comfortable to budge.

I accounted my selfless self for this sense of insignificance. I blamed my uncertainties in decision making for the lifeless life I’m living.

But my mind keeps telling me that I’m afraid to face life and its consequences, that I took the decision not to be alive at all. To the point that I denied everything good there is about life. I’m afraid of dealing with the pain, that I decided life is not important. I was securing myself against the misery and sorrow. The fear of losing. The fear of failure.

I have no things to attain, and no things that I can let go. I am jealous of other people, but did nothing to achieve glory. I was trapped within this phobia of letting something that I hold dear most go. I was too appreciative to things that are too small to have implication to my life.

I dreamt of many nightmares every night. Some people that I loved caught in accidents. I dreamt of flood, of blood, of death. I was scared and miserable. I was missing somebody but I don’t know whom. I was hoping to be saved by someone but I don’t know who will. I tried to tell somebody about all that I felt but nobody will understand.

I smiled coyly to people clashing my path. Or maybe sometimes it’s an actual smile. Or nodded vaguely with an inaudible monosyllable greeting. I hoped to be looked as invisible as possible, transparent from their bare eyes. I have nothing that I want from people. I have given up on human’s relationship. I was betrayed.

Somehow it feels like my time is up. I have no business living among them. I need escapism from these superficialities and fakeness; and just run from it all. And start anew at somewhere else. I am tired of thinking what to wear, how my hair looks, how my body smells, what do they think of me? I couldn’t just announce casually to the people “God, this is me. Stop imposing your values on me!” with a poker face.

Then again, I believe that it’s not them I’m dreading of. It’s me. Just me. Just I know that I could not carry on anymore. Some parts of me are already dead.

Life is just a series of forgivable mistakes, after all. And I have forgiven everybody but myself. I hated myself all along. I had never forgiven all my mistakes. I am guilty.

I closed the book for good. I have finished reading every page. We are still in the car; I began to see some other lights from other vehicles in front. My thoughts vanished in a split second. Without knowing what to expect, I closed my eyes. And I saw a face. An answer. Oh, please forgive me. Please forgive me. And I cried.

 

 

 

LiveJournal Tags: nokia 5230,sedih,jonathan tropper,this is where i leave you,missing,lost myself,guilty

JAHAT

Kalau saya cakap dekat awak semua, ada sesuatu yang tidak betul dalam perhubungan kita sekarang, macam mana awak nak jawab?

Saya suka awak semua, saya suka kita bersahabat. Tapi ada batas-batas tertentu yang awak langgar, sampai saya rasa makan hati. Saya tahu saya pun jahat, saya pun ada langgar batas-batas tertentu dalam berkawan. Saya sedia ditegur. Tujuan saya tulis macam ni bukan nak burukkan awak, sebab saya pun bukanlah sempurna. Cuma ada baiknya saya cakap terus terang. Kita kan kawan?

Awak #1:

Dulu awak pakai tudung. Saya suka tengok awak dulu. Awak cantik. Pandai. Bila pakai tudung nampak lagi sempurna. Awak contoh wanita Muslimah yang cemerlang. Belajar tinggi-tinggi. Tapi entah kenapa, awak mula bukak sikit-sikit. Lama-lama terbang habis tudung. Dulu pun kita tak rapat, so bila awak dah berubah saya tak berani tegur. Tapi awak pulak makin galak semacam post gambar-gambar awak yang dah tak bertutup.

Bukanlah saya nak cakap saya ni alim atau warak sangat, tapi saya suka lagi perempuan bertudung. Bukan maksunya saya nak cakap perempuan tak bertudung jahat. Tidak terlintas sekali fikiran macam tu. Sebab saya tau ramai je perempuan tak bertudung yang baik, dan kemudian berhijrah pakai tudung. Yang berlaku pada awak yang jarang saya tengok. Dan saya jadi malu bila gambar awak keluar dekat page saya. Sebab dulu awak tak bagi saya tengok walaupun sehelai rambut, sekarang ni free2 je awak kasi tengok seluruh rambut awak sekali dengan leher, bentuk tubuh, dan sebagainya. Kalau awak terbaca ni, saya nak cakap yang saya masih berharap awak akan berhijrah semula nanti. Saya optimis dengan awak. Saya optimis dengan kekuatan awak untuk berubah.

Awak #2

Selama ni saya jaga hati awak, saya tak suka cakap dekat awak pendapat sebenar saya tentang awak. Kalau ada peluang, saya cuba tegur. Tapi saya tak pernah fikir saya lagi hebat atau baik bila menegur. Sebab saya pun jahat jugak. Tak sempurna. Tapi kadang-kadang awak tak faham ada benda saya tak suka tengok awak buat. Awak ingat saya boleh terima, saya open minded. Tapi saya nak cakap dengan awak nanti boleh bawak bergaduh. Saya tak boleh terima benda yang awak buat tu! Walaupun saya nak sangat bagitau benda yang awak buat tu salah, tapi macam mana nak bagitau tanpa buat awak terasa malu dan menjauhkan diri dari saya?

Dan saya rasa benda yang awak buat walaupun seronok untuk awak, tapi sebenarnya tengah menzalimi diri sendiri. Sebagai kawan, mana boleh saya tengok awak menjahanamkan diri sendiri? Kawan apa saya ni kalau biar awak hanyut? Kawan-kawan awak ramai yang menyokong perbuatan awak, tapi saya antara yang tak boleh. Sebab kawan-kawan awak semuanya ada waktu senang, bila awak susah siapa yang awak cari?

Awak #3:

Kadang-kadang sifat tak jujur awak buat saya makan hati. Kadang-kadang rasa awak tikam belakang. Banyak benda tentang awak yang awak taknak bagitau saya, tapi awak bagitau orang lain dulu yang akan bagitau saya jugak akhirnya. Sampai saya rasa jadi kawan awak macam takde value. Macam saya orang paling asing untuk awak. Kadang-kadang orang tanya saya, “Dia tak bagitau dekat awak ke pasal benda ni?”

Mana saya tau, awak tak pernah cakap pun. Rasa segan sebab orang lain mesti fikir saya ni teruk sampai awak taknak cakap pasal benda-benda tertentu dengan saya. Saya boleh simpan rahsia, tapi awak anggap saya ni ancaman pada awak. Macam mana saya tak makan hati? Sedangkan kita kawan rapat. Segala tentang saya, saya akan cakap pada awak dulu. Supaya kalau orang lain tanya awak pasal saya, awak tak rasa terpinggir. Tapi malangnya awak rasa yang sebaliknya. Mungkin itu bermaksud saya seorang je yang nak berkawan tapi awak...?

Banyak benda awak tak puas hati dengan saya tapi awak taknak cakap, tapi awak cerita dekat orang. Lepas tu orang tu sampaikan pada saya. Tak ke menjatuhkan maruah saya? Maafkan saya sebab cakap macam ni, tapi saya dah makan hati. Saya pun tau awak ada makan hati dengan saya, tapi saya dah cuba jadi yang terbaik sebagai kawan kepada awak. Kalau saya terlepas cakap, saya tak pernah bermaksud nak menyinggung. Tapi bila awak maki saya, itu rasanya sangat pahit.

Awak #4:

Awak suka nilaikan apa yang orang cakap sampai saya tak selesa bercakap dengan awak. Awak perhatikan semua orang, lepas tu cuba kelaskan mereka ikut pandangan awak. Siapa yang baik ikut pandangan awak, siapa yang buruk. Kadang-kadang apa yang mereka buat, saya pun buat. Jadi awak buat saya rasa tak selesa, macam awak kutuk saya depan-depan. Awak pun banyak bagi nasihat, tapi awak tak boleh anggap apa yang saya buat, saya tak fikir. Awak akan selalu bagi nasihat seolah-olah saya tak tau apa yang saya cakapkan. Awak cakap “Awak tak boleh cakap macam tu!” pada saya, tapi sebenarnya saya tahu apa yang saya tengah cakapkan. Kalau saya tegur awak pasal kesalahfahaman awak, awak mesti taknak mengaku salah dan keadaan jadi lagi buruk. Saya pun tak suka bertikam lidah. Bukanlah maksud saya saya tak suka dengar nasihat awak, tapi cara awak menasihati saya membuatkan saya jauh hati. Saya macam jadi fobia nak jadi diri saya depan awak, sebab nanti awak akan simpulkan saya ni jenis orang macam ni atau orang macam tu yang mempunyai masalah dengan pegangan hidup awak.

Awak semua, maafkanlah saya kalau terasa. Sesungguhnya saya ni pun hanyalah hamba Allah yang mempunyai hati perut dan perasaan. Saya tau saya pun ada kelemahan dan kekurangan sana sini. Saya JAHAT. Kalau disenaraikan dekat sini, memang banyak keburukan saya. Tapi biarlah saya menegur dengan cara ni, awak pun silalah tegur saya kalau ada kekurangan. Tujuan saya menulis bukanlah untuk membuka aib, atau memalukan, hanyalah dengan niat yang ikhlas kerana Allah Taala. Sekian.

 

P/S: Awak #1 hingga #4 bukanlah menjurus kepada mana-mana individu, sebaliknya setiap satunya ialah kumpulan-kumpulan orang tertentu. =]

 

 

 

 

LiveJournal Tags: makan hati,kawan,teguran,nasihat

My Views on Seksualiti Merdeka

“Malaysia: Ban On Sexuality Rights Festival Violates Human Rights”

This is the latest entry posted as late as today (November 10^th 2011) at the http://www.seksualitimerdeka.org/

Below is an excerpt of the report:

IGLHRC protesting in Vatican City

 

[ (New York, November 9, 2011) Today, the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) sent a letter to the government of Malaysia condemning the November 3rd police ban of all events related to Seksualiti Merdeka, an annual arts and performance showcase dedicated to the rights to identity and self-determination out of alleged concern for public order.

"The police rationalized the shutdown of Seksualiti Merdeka as a preemptive move against possible altercation by conservative groups misusing religion to vilify people who do not conform to their expectations of acceptable sexual orientation and gender identity," said Grace Poore, Regional Coordinator for Asia and the Pacific Islands at the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC).]
 
Oh my. Now the moral police is talking. Hi America. Don’t you have any Muslim militant to kill now?
This is exactly how I predicted things to turn out. Don’t we realize that this is just a cat and mouse race? Now our government is a target of international insults and slanders just because we have our own sensitivity that they are trespassing into.

And below are among Muslim parties which support Seksualiti Merdeka organization:
 
Sisters In Islam

...sama sekali tidak bersetuju dengan pengharaman Seksualiti Merdeka. Kami melihat ini sebagai satu lagi jenis halangan kepada kebebasan bersuara, berkumpulan dan kebebasan idea di Malaysia... (November 3, 2011)

Ahmad Fuad Rahmat, Islamic Rennaisance Front
 ...kita hidup dalam masyarakat majmuk yang pelbagai. Untuk sesuatu masyarakat itu maju, ia haruslah bersifat menerima. Tidak harus wujud diskriminasi terhadap jantina atau orientasi seksual, tanpa mengira bangsa dan agama... (November 3, 2011)
 
Seriously, Sisters (aka Nuns) in Islam? And that’s a joke right, Islamic Renaissance Front?
 
Now, ladies and gentlemen, why should we care for this issue?
 
1. This is a trap for Malaysian society.

This is another provocation to stir the tranquility in Malaysia. Another reason for international human rights organizations to paint the bad picture of us. Before this, people didn’t even care whether gay or lesbian or transgender live among the society. True, we may not be celebratory to them, but they were never denied the rights to live. Malaysians were polite enough to them.

They’ve got to do their own favourite jobs (mak andam, make-up artist, tailors, prostitutes, chefs, photographers, interior designers, wedding planners, hairdressers, fashion designers). If that is called violating human rights, then apparently we have no hope in mankind. Never have I heard gays being beaten to death in Malaysia. Unlike the Americans – wait, what? Yes, gays are being shot to death in the most tolerant country in the world. Check these links out: 

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/26/larry-king-murder-trial-c_n_937857.html
http://unfinishedlivesblog.com/2011/07/10/4-year-old-boy-shot-to-death-suspected-of-being-gay/
http://history.verdeserve.com/the-first-openly-gay-elected-official-in-the-us-was-shot-to-death/
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/23/us/23oxnard.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_violence_against_LGBT_people_in_the_United_States



Lawrence King, who was killed because he’s a gay. Picture taken in December 2006
 

2. Do they really want this to happen, seriously, do they?

While this might be a good platform for people to understand the LGBT minority, do you think they really need this kind of publicity? To be frank, I think the gay community themselves are living peacefully among the majority society, and their anonymity is guaranteed as long as they don’t expose themselves and forcing people to accept them.

For all this while, they are living under the radar, where they feel secured without discrimination. And when Seksualiti Merdeka (and Azwan Ismail, the saya-gay-saya-OK guy) exists, it gave them unnecessary attention and spotlight, as if enforcing them to come out of the closet, when they really are comfortably living among the society. Because of Seksualiti Merdeka, their state of peace are threatened, people started to be discriminative, judgmental and critical towards them.

Here in Malaysia, we already have that code of secrecy. “Don’t ask, don’t tell”. Aren’t this what Americans practicing right now? Even if we already know that that particular guy or girl is homosexual, we still respect them just the way they are if they don’t showcase their traits publicly. This makes the person-in-question’s privacy is protected. Really, they don’t need this kind of attention. They are living perfectly well in Malaysia. It is not publicity that they need; it is the freedom to practice their own lifestyle that they want. And they already have it. So what’s more the Seksualiti Merdeka has to offer?

After all, Seksualiti Merdeka is only a minority of the minority, who claims that they are doing this for the majority of minority. Who are they anyway to represent the whole LGBT community? What if the LGBT community themselves disagree with their approach? I believe they are only fighting for their own importance, not the majority of LGBT community.

Now which human right did we violate? Seksualiti Merdeka is, in fact, violating the rights for the LGBT to stay anonymous.

3. Freedom of speech should be given a definition according to Malaysia’s context

Thailand’s transsexual pageant contestors

 

True, we might not be as open as other countries, like Thailand or the Philippines, but this is what supposed to be practiced in Malaysia. The USA claimed that they are open minded, but why couldn’t they open their mind on the diversity of culture? This is contradictory to their own stand. For one, we are Easterners, where people live accordingly to their customs.

Second, we are mostly religious people (though not everyone is pious). These are the factors shaping our moral and social structure. It is very rude for the Westerners to impose their own ideology of what is right and what is wrong to be adapted to our society. Suddenly they published story, telling the world that we are not as good, as open, as tolerant like them. When in truth, we have our own way in being tolerant to the minority. Being tolerant does not, I repeat, does NOT necessarily mean you have to change the law to let gays and lesbians marry each other. Can’t they accept that this thing is a taboo in our society? It is as simple as culture differences, no further stretch than that.

4. To let peace prevails, some sacrifices have to be done

I’m not surprised that if we accept this kind of liberty to exist herein, in the future there would emerge some groups claiming more rights to the marginal minority, of which the government have to address. Maybe then some more people will claim their rights as infidels (murtad), to perform incest (sumbang mahram), or to cohabitate (bersekedudukan). They would bring upon the same argument, that those are their freedom of speech. What would we say then?

The Sun, 23rd March 2011.

5. The need to wisely approach the target audience

I can, to some extent, understand the ‘noble’ cause of the organizers. It might become handy to help people with conflicting sexualities, discriminated (though it is very rare to find in Malaysia, unless you include those Muslim women who were denied jobs opportunities for wearing hijab), those that are unable to share their problems regarding their own sexuality. They can give counseling, form support group and whatnots.

But they must also respect the majority in giving aid to the minority. If not, it would only cause chaos and pointless aggravations. There are many more ways in approaching their target groups. I believe that the organizers, as Malaysians, understand that we have our own collective sensitivities.

It is perhaps, not wise to try their sensitivity by publicizing an event of which only little will benefit. The organizers have many more alternatives of which they can choose from.
 
6. The government should start addressing the existence of the matter, not denying it

This is the most important point of my arguments. The government knows that these people exist, but they do nothing about it. They cannot assume that every child attending school in Malaysia will turn out as heterosexual as they graduate. The government should implement policies, not to support these people, but as a preemptive strike to prevent such organizations to cause public uproar in the future.

I remember a quote from a newspaper that I read about LGBT. It sounds like this: Because we deny their existence, we also deny the solution.

If the government starts the initiative, then there are no needs for such group to exist in the future.
The government of Terengganu, as an example, through Jabatan Pelajaran Terengganu tried to put those 66 gay-potential kids in camp as a corrective measure to stop them from being gay or transsexual.

The camp was filled with motivational talks, religious sermons and tough physical activities. But this unfortunately opposed by many as being discriminatory (including our motherly Woman Minister, Shahrizat Jalil), and they have to cancel out the program. For me, I believe that such action is appropriate, but in-depth studies should be conducted before any implementation.

I believe that the government has many options to help this minority, and not stopping others who claimed they want to help. For a start, they can organize religion classes, encouraging students to participate in sports, come out with a specific department to address these minorities.

But they also have to make sure that their approach is not too imposing. They cannot simply terrifying those kids with warning of hell, or being stoned to death. But they must persuasively advise the kids of why such feelings are a testament of God and that they have to fight the instinct because it’s only a worldly desire (from a Muslim’s point of view).

This way, we can also prevent the bad talking from those shameless Americans that continuously being pricky and bossy to us, and also stop them from stuffing their noses into our borders.

THE MISCONCEPTIONS THAT WE SHOULD AVOID

 
1. Seksualiti Merdeka is a free sex festival

Even though they are promoting a wrong sexual lifestyle, they are not in any ways a sex festival like orgy, group sex, or even ‘pesta buih’. They only held talks and seminars etc. But either way, they are equally wrong.

2. Gays are worse than animal, because ALL animals are heterosexual

Ray and Silo. A couple of gay penguins

This is a very serious misconception. Unless there’s Quran verse or hadith supporting this claim, please consider this as wrong. For your information, many animals display homosexual (gay and lesbian) characteristics. 

This is, unfortunately, not taught in our classroom since this is politically incorrect. And also, because scientists thought that it’s very controversial to be considered as a theory. Unless you want people to call you ignorant or stupid, don’t try to bring this up in you arguments against gay. 

Please refer to these links below for enlightenment:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior
http://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/20718.aspx
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_gayanimal.html

And for more understanding, just Google “Homosexuality in animals”.

Perhaps, the most popular story of ‘animal gay’ is one of Ray’s and Silo’s, penguins of  New York’s Central Park Zoo. They successfully hatched and raised an egg after the original parents of it had difficulties to do so. Their story is even written into a book, entitled ‘And Tango Makes Three’. 

Tango is the name of their ‘kid’. And what is surprising even more, Ray and Silo even had sex with each other. Oh, and don’t ask me how. I don’t know.

 

Gay penguins family!

3. Being judgmental to them

We are not God. We did many bad things in life. Don’t threat them with hellfire; we are never guaranteed heaven. Just advise them, be compassionate.

4. Being gay is a CHOICE
How do you know? Were you born a gay? We might not understand how they truly feel because we are different. We can say they are gross, disgusting and stuffs, but it is not their choice at the first place. It’s what God made them to, it’s a fate. 

They were born with it. Pity them, but don’t hate them. Try to put yourself in their shoes. What if you were born a gay? Will you consider yourself as ‘jijik’?

CONCLUSION

I conclude my arguments of this issue with an honest reminder. However inappropriate Seksualiti Merdeka is, we should not give them opportunities to slander us more. Like calling them names, threat to kill them. It would only give them chances to promote their cause at international level, playing the victim card. It would only validate their claim that they are being discriminated against in this society.

As Muslims, we are expected to show a good example of educating and advising. So what we must do, we have to give solid arguments of why such groups should not be permitted in this country. Be gentle, but firm. And if they are to exist, they should play safe along the sidewalk, not causing too much stir by being apathetic to the Muslims majority. And don’t ever let our sensitivities to be toyed around by whoever claims to support human rights.

We are better than that.

Dilema Warga Asing dan Penyelamat

Earlier today, saya naik komuter dari Stesen KTM Sungai Buloh, kakak n abang ipar saya hantar dari Temerloh. Harap dapat naik Shuttle Train, sekali dapat komuter biasa je. Untuk yang tak tau, Shuttle Train ni lagi panjang dari komuter biasa, n dia akan berhenti dekat a few stations je. Maksudnya kita konpem akan dapat seat, n masa pun lagi cepat sebab dia tak berhenti dekat semua stesen.

So dengan paksarela terpaksa jugaklah naik komuter. Macam biasa, sibuk. Hiruk-pikuk. Orang ramai. Nak duduk takde tempat. Mujurlah waktu pagi, takdelah bau badan masing2 mencucuk2.

Masa ni semua orang diam, kecuali dengar ada bunyi dari earphone Samsung S II sorang mamat white collar yang pasang lagu Meet Me Halfway. Punya kuat dia bukak lagu, semua orang boleh dengar. Aigo. Pekak jugak telinga mamat ni tak lama lagi.

Pada masa yang sama ada dua orang pak cik India sembang sakan time pagi buta. Bagus betul. Banyak energy. Orang lain semua tengah layu baru bangun, dia punya bateri fully charged. Tiba stesen Kepong Sentral, masuk satu kumpulan warga Indonesia. Ada tiga orang. Masa tu saya berdiri dekat tiang.

Tren pun bergerak macam biasa. Masa tu memang sempit. Tiba-tiba saya terdengar deorang berbual. Saya dengar sorang tu cakap pasal ‘paksaan’, n sorang lagi macam tengah refer seseorang dalam tren tu. Saya tengok, deorang macam satu kumpulan tengah kepung budak perempuan dekat tiang tu.

Eh, peliknya. Lepas tu deorang macam fokus pada budak perempuan tu. Budak tu pandang arah saya, n orang Indonesia tu semua buat bulatan belakang dia. Oh shoot. Tak sedap hati. Budak perempuan tu tunduk, macam tengah takut. Orang Indonesia tu pulak macam tengah memerhatikan dia, semua macam nak ngap budak tu.

Lepas tu baru saya perasan apa yang berlaku. Disebabkan deorang kepung belakang budak perempuan tu, effectively takde siapa yang nampak deorang buat apa belakang budak tu. Oh damn. Kesiannya! Budak tu macam nak menangis da, tunduk2. Deorang pulak macam suka, sambil buat muka gangster.

Saya tengok budak perempuan tu. Pakai baju biru, tudung hitam. Badan dia montok. Memang jadi habuan lah. Si mamat sorang tu macam nak cium dia, deorang gilir2 raba punggung budak tu. Budak tu tunduk, diam. Takut.

Mula-mula saya rasa marah. Tapi tak tau nak buat apa. Depan saya ada sorang mamat Melayu, tinggi, tapi dia buat2 tak nampak. Ramai lagi yang perasan, tapi semua buat bodoh. Yang perempuan, laki. Melayu, India, Cina. Semua pura-pura tak nampak ada gangguan seksual. Saya rasa geram gila. Pastu saya tanya budak tu ‘OK tak?’ saya berniat nak tolong dia. nak suruh dia tukar tempat ke. Tapi dia diam. Dia pandang tempat lain taknak jawab soalan saya. Seolah-olah saya tanya dia ‘Best tak?’

Paling best, tengah2 antara stesen Segambut dengan Putra, tren tu mati dalam 10 minit. Biasalah KTM, kalau tengah jalan tak mati memang tak sah. Lagi mahsyuk la budak tu kena raba. Yang ketua geng tu tangan dah naik pegang tiang tu, kepung budak tu. Budak tu tak boleh bergerak. Belakang dia dah kena tenyeh2 dengan warga asing.

Masa ni semua orang pandang, lepas tu pandang arah lain. Saya pandang je warga asing tu, lepas tu deorang pandang balik. Muka macam nak tikam orang. Saya fikir, kalau deorang tarik perempuan ni turun pun satu tren akan buat bodoh. Tak pun deorang rogol budak ni dalam tren pun, penumpang lain akan buat2 tak nampak dan akan pandang tempat lain.

Masa tu dahlah saya tak sarapan lagi, so rasa tension tu menyebabkan rasa nak muntah. Berani sungguh deorang ni. Tak lama lepas tu, yang mamat ketiga pulak duduk belakang budak perempuan tu. Damn! Puas hati dia raba budak tu. Hambek kau! Yang pelik, takde sapa nak marah deorang. Semua buat buta. Semua buat pekak. Yang perempuan tu pun diam membisu, nak nangis.

Dekat setengah jam lepas tu, dekat stesen mana entah, baru deorang turun. Budak perempuan tu pulak turun 2-3 stesen lepas tu. Dah habis maruah diri. Oh. Kalaulah benda ni berlaku hari-hari. Masa tu saya buat penilaian sendiri tentang masalah sosial ni.

1. Macam kita tau, KTM komuter lah sistem pengangkutan awam paling tak efisien. Bila tak efisien, jadi padat,penumpang tak selesa. Kena raba, bau busuk, lambat sampai destinasi. Oh ho. Bilalah nak improve? Keadaan tren yang padat memberi peluang untuk gejala sosial, tapi semua orang buat tak tau, buat2 buta.

2. Perempuan pun dah ada koc wanita nak masuk jugak tempat laki. Tak taulah kenapa. Yang ni masih tak dapat difahami sebab saya tak tau apa keadaan koc wanita. Busuk ke, bosan ke. Tak pernah naik. Tak tau kenapa ada segelintir wanita taknak duduk dekat tempat yang dikhususkan untuk mereka. Kalau kena sexual harassment salahkan lelaki, tapi sendiri tak mau beware.

3. Rakyat Malaysia memang best. Untuk mengalahkan satu tren, Cuma perlu 3 orang warga Indonesia, semua dah diam. Yang perempuan, kalau cakap pasal hak berapi-api. Bila kaum sendiri kena raba buat2 tak nampak. Masa ni saya rasa marah dekat semua orang dalam tren tu. Mamat tinggi yang depan saya tulah paling dekat dengan budak pompuan tu, tapi dia buat dek je. Perempuan India dua orang, lelaki-lelaki lain. Kalau berlaku setiap hari dalam tren memang tak heran, deorang pun dah berani buat sebab rakyat Malaysia semua buat bodoh bila ada orang kena cabul.

4. Masalah lambakan warga asing. Sampai bila lagi? Tepuk dada. Deorang pun manusia, ada nafsu. Tapi tahap mentaliti lain. Sebusuk2 lelaki Malaysia pun, deorang takde buat hal macam ni. Mencabul wanita dalam tren secara berjemaah. Kita pun sedia tau warga asing antara penyumbang besar masalah sosial, kadang2 lebih dahsyat dari warga Malaysia.

Sekarang saya fikir. Kalau saya yang tolong dia tadi camne? Adakah penumpang lain, especially lelaki akan backup saya? Atau deorang buat dek dan 3 orang warga asing tu pukul saya tanpa sebarang masalah?

Ataupun budak perempuan tu sebenarnya suka diraba, sebab tu dia taknak duduk dalam koc wanita? Tak taulah. Kita yang nak menyelamat pun dalam dilema. Kesimpulanya, kita buat2 bodoh jugak. Biar jadi macam kes budak kecik kena langgar lari dekat China.