HeArtbreak

 I created a playlist titled HEARTBREAK on Spotify yesterday. It feel appropriate, an ode to the waves of sadness I couldn't properly address or dismiss. Is this the final goodbye? Amid the storm of never-ending works and juggling between being a person, an employee and a son, I had so little time to (re)visit the heartache. 

I was being held hostage by a hope that I had kept for so long, not exactly sure if I wanted to be liberated. There's no right or wrong, no future only the past. No love, just emotions. Raw emotions. I feel numb. The pain is strange, it's stretched thin over time, yet it is still there somewhere in the background, waiting for the cracks, my moments of weakness to attack. 

The songs on the playlist was every bit of lyrics that I adore, that I could come back to, that helps explain my emotions way better than I do. 'In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free' sang Take That. How so accurate! I always thought that losing me was a loss, but it was always me who suffered the most. I thought people would regret that they hadn't treated me better, they would cry missing me at nights, they would be jealous looking at me soaring so high above the clouds after they walked out the door. But it is me who regretted ever thinking that, it was me who cried feeling so inadequate of myself that I couldn't keep anyone near me for long. 

 

After several years, we are strangers again. I always dreamt of coming back, of finding each other again. Like that Christina Aguilera song: '...they say, "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it's yours..." 

 

The thought of letting something go just so that they could come back in the future scares me. I always held on to that one strand of hope, refuse to ever let go. And now, look where it brought me. Always stuck in a limbo.

That playlist was a cocktail mixture of everything; upbeat tempo, mellow songs, hopeful music, and then some. Some t.a.t.u, some Adele, some Boyzone. Some Glee, some Nabila Razali. It made me melancholic for a bygone era, sad for the present, but at the same time hopeful for whatever coming next. It's a reflection  of not just how I feel about things, but more importantly how I feel about myself. 

 

 I might feel like a weirdo sometimes, insufferable, lost. A hopeless romantic, mostly stupid. But that is me, and all the scars doesn't make me any less worthy, any less pretty. 

 You remember how We Are Young struck some chord about being young, being reckless, and being free-spirited? Listening to that song, I feel like bursting into flames, while smashing a glass with my Lumia 800 (RIP) in slow-mo, and the glass shattered so beautifully against the backdrop and the vibrant screen of the Lumia.

In the end, I guess this is loooong time coming. I feel a tad sad, a bit numb, but I had all these years of silence to prepare me for when that day finally came. After that, there's nothing between us. I won't pray for you again, I won't even hope for anything. Your family picture might pop up sometimes on my timeline, but for heaven's sake, you've blocked me, so when that very unlikely situation does happen, I would bite my lips and try to push back the waves of emotions from washing over me, and I would just simply pray this time, not for you, but for the best for you. And for me too. And I would tell myself, albeit reliving again all of those memories, that this is how it should be. This might not feel good, but this is right. 

 

After all, even after all these years, I guess I'm facing the greatest loss of them all.