DISTANT/DISTANCE

Having bombarded with several severe issues lately, I couldn’t help feeling that being with you might make those things, perhaps, at least bearable?

Life is strange and can be fucked up sometimes. Some of you are destined to get screwed because some other people’s decisions that affect you in the long run.

My nights are getting stranger and longer, I couldn’t sleep. There is literally no place to go, no safe place for me. I grew angrier towards my relatives, resenting their decisions that has brought forth these disasters unto me. 

I remember how much it meant to live side by side with a companion who can shake off some of life’s greatest fears and crises. I remember how feeling safe was, like your life is surrounded by a protective bubble just by sharing your fears with a certain someone; and I am longing to feel safe again.

But I hated myself for ever thinking of the option. Every time I tell myself I’d better be off without you, I would the next second contemplating the opposite. And every time I feel I can make do without you, life will throw the toughest punches in my face.

I am now sleeping with the lights on. I became a paranoid. 

I listened attentively to the sounds of people pulling the chairs and playing games in the house upstairs, praying that it was just my imagination. I covered myself with pillows to shield my eyes from looking at things I have no intention to see, and from listening voices I do not intend to hear.

Life has become a cruel playground, and sleeping time, which used to be my escapism, is now a torture. I wake up from sleep everyday thanking God it was over. My sleeping room that used to be my safe haven is now a dungeon of torment.

I have nothing to look forward to, except forsaking this phase of my life. I want to tell this story as another favourite vignette of my past, but living through it for now is clearly too gruesome.

My life is a fragment of sadness, a little bit occasional triumphs here and there, a whole load of tragedies, insecurity, and hatred. But as I’m living it, I gradually come to realization that the main theme of life is changes. Changes. 

Everything in life is changing. And as much as I wanted you to stay, you too are changing. As I repulsed the push to undergo changes, I found myself in an abyss of inability to move on, and the constant fear of the future.

I’m distancing myself from everything I hold dear to live this life of solitude. I pushed away my family, living away from my friends, and ultimately, I had to give you up. I had no idea why it was necessary, now that living alone is too frightening. Going back from work, walking into a dark room that sends cold shivers through my whole body, feeling a sort of negative energy I could not entirely understand, I could only hope that I were always with you. 

They said distance makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t beg to differ, I’m growing fonder of you for each day passing without you. But as it happens, my heart aches from having to face the cruel facts of life alone, and while I grew fonder of you in exponent, it gives me more pain knowing that you won’t come back. 

I still have to switch all the lights on at nights, and that’s not alright.