REPETITION

After some time, you’re going to feel like the themes of your life are repeating themselves – recurring events, reappearing issues, resurfacing doubts and fears.
I have found that my life sometimes feels like a never ending loop; a dribbling effect, an echo. Something that doesn’t travel in straight lines, but works in circles instead; but I just couldn’t tell the real pattern it follows.
I kept going round and round, but kept coming back to the same starting point. What currently happening in my life is how I found a person, similar to the one in my past – the same persona, the same aura – only now seems like my second chance of starting things over.
I fear for my vulnerability to fall for the same mistakes, “obliterating the chance of a future” as I call it. Thus I stopped myself from entrapment of the cycle. I broke free. Lord perhaps is giving me the second test to see if I’ve learnt anything from the first test.
I loathe being lonely, but being alone can be awesome too. I love how living in my new place lets me see things literally in a different view. My new apartment sits atop the Bukit Serdang and at nights I could often see fireworks being fired up from different small points of the district. The question why in the world these people never stop playing fireworks never occurred to me, or to them themselves.
From up there it looks like mini explosions in a miniature world. The effect of seeing usually larger-than-life things in a much smaller scale makes the motion of fireworks looks much slower; almost as beautiful as the stationary stars themselves. At first it’s nothing, only the screeching sound – then the next split second “KABOOM!” – explosion of colours. Then silence.
I am alone for the most part of my life now. But it gave me space to contemplate, to avoid being trapped in the same cycle of life. It does not suck that much to be honest. Life has its ups and downs, relationships, process of trusting and breaking of trust. But it is within these many things have we learnt the real value of living. Of how much we want to have, or how much we want to lose even.
And it is in times of loneliness would we see how much we have lost, how much did we loved, how much we were willing to bargain to let them stay, and how we fear for our future in a lonely world. But this is a cycle, and you’re going to face this again in the future albeit being years older – when you’re going to have a different view on life altogether. This is a repetition, a mere echo. But just like an old friend, we’ll meet again.