10 February 2015


“I wish I could tie you up in my shoes; make you feel unpretty too.” Unpretty, TLC
It must be the selfish part of me, to be wanting things I know I could never have. 
They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, and my other side of the fence is you.
I wonder how walking in your shoes feels like; it’s always a scene to watch you walking by over and over every day. Your style, your looks, your life flash just before my eyes as you walk, deluding me with a sense of incompleteness, inadequacy, insatiability. I wanted an escape, and your life seems perfect to be my escapism. 
I bet your wife loves how sweet you smell; the oceanic scent of Polo; and I bet she loves the way you kiss her before you go to bed every night. She would iron your shirt for tomorrow work before ironing her own baju kurung while she smiles looking at her pregnant belly. 
I never felt loved, and I wonder how it’s like to be laying side by side with a person you love every night – rising above to heavens and coming back, all with the only person you love.
Even in times of trouble, her love saves you from wrecking. The world will never able to hurt you as long as she is by your side, the same way the world can never hurt her as long as she is in your arms. Your unborn child in her womb is your seed of love – literally and metaphorically. Your life is perfect in every sense possible, while I make do with what I have. 
I had to come to terms with loneliness with nobody to turn to in times of depression. I had to pretend I don’t care when it comes to matter of the heart, because I know nobody else will. I had to iron my own shirt – bummer. 
I feel inadequate most of the time, always being reminded by people that I somehow am different. I wish I know how I could turn my life around, being the person people expected me to be. But most of the time I pretend I know what I’m doing with my life, when in truth I don’t even have a clue. 
But you – you look well adjusted. You seemed to know every parlour trick there is to bend the world to your favour. You seemed contented, happy, adequate. And I just wear smiles on my face every day to conceal the pain of feeling lacking.
I wish, that I can walk in your shoes for a day and see the life from the perspective of someone else. I wish I could see how myself looks like in the eyes of others. I wish that by walking in your shoes, I could understand better the world and how it is always meant for us. 
Your shoes are tempting; Bally shoe or Camel; while mine are those pirated from Thailand. Your life is sweet like cinnamon, while mine seems unfixable. 
There’s got to be some kind of meaning to life and Lord, I wish I could see it through your shoes.

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