17 December 2014

Breakup Song

What’s your breakup song?


My friend asked me one day, while we were having a group dinner.


What? I chuckled.

I had never given a single thought on it. Maybe because I had never gone through a breakup.


“Well, mine is from yada yada yada”

I couldn’t recall what’s the song, but I’m pretty sure it’s an Indonesian artist.


I listened, skeptically. “Is that an integral part of a break up? To have a break-up song?”


I asked myself in reality.


There’s this saying circulating on the internet, and I’m not sure from who, but it sounded like this: “When you’re happy, you listen to the music. But when you’re sad, you listen to the lyrics”. It means when you are sad, suddenly the lyrics makes perfect sense. When you are happy, you just pay attention to the music.


How it’s like, breaking up? Honestly, I think I’m a hopeless romantic. I never talk casually about love, because for me, love is not something you should toy with. You should be serious when it comes to matters of the heart.


However, with the saying in mind, I answered my friend’s question.


“I think mine is from Anggun. Still Reminds Me.”


“Urgh, taknak lah Anggun. Tak tahu.” My friend responded. With that, the conversation ended.


I don’t know about breakup songs, but everytime I’m parting with someone whom I love dearly, as friends, as companions, sad songs began to make sense. Those lyrics resonated with my emotions, and it reflects exactly what I have been feeling, in words. But I was not particularly in love with those friends.


Depending on different groups, opinions about me differ. Some groups think I’m naughty, my colleagues think I’m a na├»ve nerd, my family thinks I will never find my true love, some friends think I’ve lost my virginity. When in truth is, none of that is the truth (or not the truth, yet). I’m just comfortable being with my friends that the thought of being loved becomes a distant notion. I have love of my family though.


And truth is also, I never tried finding love. Maybe I’ve given up, maybe I’m afraid of rejection, maybe I’ve never even interested to be in a relationship. Or maybe because I think God will grant me love once He knows I’m ready. But whatever it is, love is not my motivation. Maybe it was, I don’t know. But for the time being, it’s just not. My motivation is simply happiness, and it is not a one way street.


But that doesn’t mean I’m closing the door to love altogether. If it comes my way, I’ll just accept it. After all, love is magical. It will come when you were least expecting it. But I am not desperate enough to go out in search for it. (Y’know what I mean?)


Needless to say, sad songs are very relatable when I’m feeling lonely. With the songs playing in the background, a strange feeling emancipating from the heart, but no clear faces appear in the head.


“Have you ever been in love though?”


Some might ask. I could not lie on that one. I’ve been in love before, but it was ages ago and because of that, I’m incapable of loving anyone else, though I’ve tried.


Oh and here’s another saying to ponder. My friend told me that in order for you to write something painfully beautiful, you need to feel love first. I suppose I’ve already qualified on that one.


Now should I write a breakup song of my own?

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