27 September 2016

You'll Never Know

I too, long for happiness. I too, long for a chance of happiness. I too, long for you.

Dreaming of quitting my job one day, of getting married, of traveling all around the globe. Of not writing anymore interim reports every other month, of writing emotional, deep piece of writing. And through these, you would be along the way. Supporting me from behind, not that I’m asking for it but that’s just you being you, and that all that I would ask is for you to stay with me.

We would sit, a few inches apart on the edge of a cliff one cold night, when we only have heat from each other’s body to warm us, while we witness a thousand million stars in the sky. When the freezing wind blows, I would move closer to you, until our skins touched.

You would ask me, if this is enough, if this is where I want to be. And I would answer, though the cold wind sends shivers down my spine, like I always did “As long as you’re by my side, everywhere is paradise.”

If love is selfish, then I am selfish for wanting you. I am selfish for dreaming this about you and me. I’d only be truthful to myself, was that so selfish?

We would walk a thousand miles in the middle of nowhere, we would get ourselves lost, we would be nowhere near anybody else, for between us is the world. We don’t need nobody else. We are family. We are not lost. We are home.

How badly I wanted to tell you this, that every time our eyes met I was drawn into you, I feel drowned by the ocean in your eyes, basking in your heavenly scent, dancing to the sound of your words and laughter. I wanted to touch you, to feel like this is the end of a dream that has culminated into a reality.

Alas in your eyes I am just, well, ME. And sadly, it’s all I could offer and I could be; ME. That you could not comprehend how my emotions were built around your presence, that it would be all that I could offer. That my life was incomplete without you, and you are the missing puzzle piece. You are the wildest dream that could never be real.

In your own mind, in your heart, you needed somebody else, that your missing piece to complete you was never me. Will never be me.

We were like the sun and the moon, you are the light that lighten up my life, yet we revolved in a never ending cycle of a rat race – me trying to catch up to your ray in the day, while you hide in the night, only willing to emit a glimmer of your shine – a beacon of false hope shining unto me. But isn’t a glimmer of hope is all needed to hang on to something that is not meant to be? We are not meant for each other, and just like the moon to the sun, what I could ever be is only a reflection of you. We would live our lives in perpetual teasing, yet we can never unite.

I had tried to dissuade myself from you. But when I thought I would be further from you, all these small threads of coincidences, of fate, are entwining us even closer. I would hide from you and you could still find me in my most vulnerable state, in my deepest hiding place, in my most sacred sanctuary, unable to defend myself from your stares and your voice. Your smiles bring me back to my childhood naivety, when life is pure, magical – and they are drawing me even closer to you, without you knowing and without me willing. You are a glimpse of what was once a part of me – innocence, purity, LOVE.

I wish amid this course of events, I had met you when we were younger, so I would have known you longer. That I would walk my life again with you by my side, and I had no regrets of living, aside from letting you go. I am still hanging to the last thread of hope, of having you walking along with me in life. Of dreaming how my life could be different to be living it with you.

When this dream is finally over, I would see you walk away with somebody else. Every step you take, moving further away from me, I could feel my heart dies, beat by beat. If that’s the price of wanting to possess something so pure, I am willing to pay it ten times over. But you’ll never know.

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