11 April 2014
For many years already, I molded my own sense of awakening into perfection. I refused to take in people’s suggestions into my life by standing my own ground in making decisions, and with whatever consequences ensue, I was still able of being proud of who I am by the end of the day.
My problem started when I enrolled in my Master’s degree. Nobody told me that the journey to the top is always lonely. You have fewer friends, let alone acquaintances. Everybody else started their own goddamn life in their own goddamn pace, and you somehow feel left out.
Then I started to search for work. Which proves to be the most exhausting and ridiculous phase of my life. There was this voice behind the back of my head tells me that I’m too different that the employers are afraid to hire me, but heck, I try my hardest to impress them. I talked passionately about the projects I was involved in, citing the conferences and international programs I participated, with no satisfactory reply from them. And after I left the interviewing room, my heart sank.
I know why they won’t hire me. And if I were in their shoes, I would place myself the last place ever for the position. Point one; I’m different. Yeah I know that. It’s hard to miss. Point two; you know, for somebody who is as humble as me, I do not emit confidence. I do not show signs of a fighter, which is one thing they subconsciously wanted to see in their employee. A confidence-laden lad with the ability to crush stones with their eye stares, and for God’s sake, I do not have that.
I have been to a number of interviews which have already exceeded my fingers to count with, but did not manage to land on any position. Somehow I feel like the only work that I can get is those part-time jobs and internship jobs that pay, if they’d ever, a less than minimum wage.
But what have I missed? I feel so alone and lonely. I began to hate the notion of meeting new people or making new friends. I began to hate going to interviews because I know they won’t hire me. Even if it boils down to 2 people in this world, they would never take me.
It enrages me. And to be frank, I started to question God. My prayers became longer, throwing God a demand for answers and explanations. I don’t know which way to go; I’ve been stuck in this place for too long.
Thought of suicide crosses my mind several times already. Sometimes I lie down on the praying mat after prayer and cry. I don’t know why the fuck, but I feel goddamned unwanted and I don’t know what God’s plans are for me. You can say ‘Tak baik macam tu. Tuhan adil!’ Yes I know. I never questioned that. But sometimes I need an assurance.
You and your average life have little things to complain to God. You would get a job, get the hell outta my life, then got married, live in a house you pay with your monthly wage, give birth to 3 children and finally died of old age. My life so far does not point to that direction.
I recited many prayers; some are from the book, but mostly from my own heart. But to date, I don’t know the right way of life. There are no answers. There is no one right way, but many wrong ones. If I’d ever slipped from this thin line I’m walking, I’d be damned for eternity.
Things are harder when I became too clingy on my roommate. This has proven to be disastrous to my own state of mind, but in times of loneliness, you would see yourself becomes the manic obsessive person who are hard in letting go. I have very few friends already. I don’t know if I can let go even one of them.
Many more people are walking away from my life, and there’s no effing way to ask them to stay. My roommate got a job already. It was easy for him. Getting job for him is like taking candy from an imaginary kid. If he was left to enter an interview room, the job is already his.
(I am not complaining though it sounds like I do. It sounds different in my mind. My real intent is to explain)
I don’t need your sympathy. I can’t live with pity. But what I really need is some consideration, or understanding. I need people to understand that I’m different and that I would have my life live very differently from yours, and that maybe it’s my fate but whatever, and I would be proud of who I am.
But stop thinking that I can fit within your expectation that I should be up to your standard. I need more time to get a job, I need more time to sort out this whole thing. Stop asking me like I am an average person who has the charm. Truth is I don’t. I’m not average. I’m different.
It’s good enough if you don’t bother me, but better if you could give me a hug or a nod at least. Tell me that everything’s gonna be alright. Do not ever question me because I myself don’t have the answers.