The Thesis Saga (Part 5)

..part 4 here....

It took me two months after the last conversation to finally write the review against termination letter and meet my supervisor to endorse it. It was by then, February 2018. I took a time off from the office and drove off to the faculty. I parked my car next to my lab, and I was so nervous about this whole thing I felt like trembling. I was trying to avoid everybody that I knew, afraid that they would ask too many uncomfortable questions. Thank God I didn’t run into any of those people that I tried to avoid. 

I searched for my last known supervisor’s office, but apparently, she wasn’t there anymore. This whole place felt so familiar, but at the same time so eerily strange after I had left it for a few years. All the memories of me running errands, moving from one lecture room to another flashed right before my eyes. I then made my way to her office before she moved to the last office that I knew. Oh she was there. The door was ajar.

I knocked on the door a few times.

“Siapa? Bad ke?”

I opened the door and she chuckled; and smiled. There was another student of hers that I knew, my junior – Aqilah. 

“Dr busy ke? Kalau busy saya tunggu dulu.”

“It’s ok. Masuklah sekali.” I smiled to both her and Aqilah. 

I was that student again, who was there to meet his supervisor for academic advice. It all began to come back as a feeling of familiarity, of feeling home after you’re away for so long. 

I participated in the conversation as a listener. Aqilah dismissed herself after the conversation ended. Then it was my turn. I straightaway asked her “Do you feel like you want to kill me Dr?” and afforded an I’m-about-to-cry-oh-God-why-I’m-so-fragile smile.

“Oh no. I never felt anything of that sort.”

This really was an important meeting that I ever had about my future, and the way my supervisor handled it with compassion was to me, very commendable. I wasn’t writing this simply because I felt indebted to her, but because it simply was the truth. That perhaps we managed to click because she always was understanding and compassionate that she never held grudges, never backbites, never talked bad about other people, and that it comforts me to be honest with her. 

Then we began to talk. I expressed my anxiety, my fears that I might not even get to repeal the termination, but her words of wisdom wipe away all of the negativity.

“Takpe, kita ikhtiar.” – it’s okay, we try. 

And right there and then, just like that, I felt a wind of change howled. I just knew that that is my new mantra. My spirits were uplifted. Whatever happens, you must not stop trying. 

She endorsed my letter, and cheered me on. “Hurry up to the SGS.”

I went to the SGS, and marveling at the sight of the university in general. Lord, this feels so much like home. I hope that I will be back for one last time. My one final shot at success.

I parked my car in front of the SGS, took my number and waited. My number was called and I handed the appeal letter. The lady was confused, she needed to go inside the room behind the counter to ask an officer.

“I’m sorry mister. But the review against termination committee meeting was held just last week.” The lady explained once she got out of the room. 

My knees felt weak. I missed the meeting, second time in a row. Will there be hope?

“The next meeting is scheduled on September.”

It would be another 7 months away. And even then, my appeal might not be granted, there was no guarantee.

“It’s okay, just wait. If anything, we shall inform you via email.” She said. 

“Alright, thanks.” I replied, still with a smile though I felt broken inside. 

I didn’t think about it again, fear of having my hopes high only to fall higher. I figured, I should’ve surmised enough motivation to start doing my correction even though the committee meeting is 7 months away, but I was still too anxious. What if I failed to appeal the termination? What if before another meeting was held, they misplaced my letter? What if the examination chairman won’t sign off my papers? For fear of wasting my energy and time, I decided to hold back doing the correction until it is confirmed that my termination is repealed. 

Three months later, on 28^th May 2018, I received the life-changing email on the 12^th of Ramadhan. The email was entitled “REVIEW AGAINST TERMINATION APPEAL”

Wait. They said it was going to be at least 6 months away, which I foresaw would be in September. This is too early. 

Lots of people were in the email loop, including my supervisor and the faculty deputy dean.

The first paragraph says: “Your review against termination appeal has been approved.” 

I almost screamed from happiness and shock. Oh my! My second chance at this! Ya Allah, alhamdulillah ya rabb. Hope is not lost after all. The slippery Master of Science title slipped back into my hand, only now I had to clasp on it tightly, very very tightly. “Takpe, kita ikhtiar” – we shall never stop trying.

But just like every stage of this story, every news come in a package of two – the bad ones and the good ones. The deadline was one month away, on 29^th June 2018. And I had to pay RM350 for every semester that I didn’t submit my thesis, amounting to a sum exceeding RM1000. 

There would be no raya for me this year – I figured. I must work hard, this Ramadhan I just need to push myself. There would be no third chance. Even if I failed, I would die trying. “You’re already terminated, what possibly could be worse?”

...to be continued...