30 September 2010


This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way. Can I move on? Can I forget about it? Will I ever give myself a second chance?

Okay now, friends are the ones who stay whenever you are happy and whenever you cry, right? What will happen if a friend stays when you happy and the one who MAKES you cry?

There is this irrelevance and nonsense-ness in talking this crap. I don’t like it either; believe me. But I can’t seem to escape from this. This is the biggest question of my own existence, the one that keeps me feeling lonely and different.

I don’t know why it happened. Why am I always different from the rest? Hell yeah, they made fun of me. They laughed at me. They made me feel different. Unwanted. Unimportant. They bullied me. They slapped me. They are no near to the term ‘friends’. They are simply bullies. And they are cruel bullies.

But was it me that asked God to make me into this human being? I love Allah. And I will never forgive those who have made fun of His creations. His creations which include me. And I have never; will never ever blame Him for who I am. I believe in his Fate; his Qadha and Qadar.

And I survived those humiliations for being different. Those nasty words they talk. Those harsh gestures they made.

Then all that ends. And I met backstabbers. Who in their own right mind only has things to stab on my back and not someone else’s. It has always been me, me and me, that they have kept ‘discussing’ about.
But whenever those things come to them, they react differently. They blame other things than themselves. Why?
You know what, up till now, I don’t think I’d ever have ‘best friend’. What stuff is this thing? Why they always keep me suffering? But the worst part is that I’m blaming myself for this. I am mad with myself for being different. For unable to stay ‘fit’ to the society. For being just who I am. For being DIFFERENT.
And now, whenever I feel sad, is because of friends. Because the pain they give is painful than the pain your enemies give. But heck, I don’t have enemies. I just have friends.
Sometimes I really wonder. Can we consider somebody as a friend if he@she doesn’t consider us the same? Why is it that people will always choose somebody else over me? As if I’m not important. As if I’m that bad. Is it just because I’m different?

Loneliness is killing me right now.

I know that every time I pull the key, nobody’s waiting. Going to classes and back to room with only myself. Nobody to talk to when I am sad. Nobody to tell me that it’s OK to be me. Nobody to invite me to Jumaat prayer. Nobody that comes to my room just to talk with me. NOBODY! NOBODY which includes you!! The only person they know is me with that mask. The uncovered part of myself is still hidden. Well, that’s because nobody’s listening when I am trying to express myself. They don’t like to listen to those stuffs. They just want the laughing parts, not the crying ones. In some sense, it sounds good, but to some extent, it’s disappointing. Lack of empathy.

Every time I post a status to Facebook, it means I need help. I need support from this grief. From these questions of my mere existence and difference. I need somebody. Just somebody. To tell me it’s ok to be me. It’s ok to cry your heart out. And to tell me “I want to be your ‘best friend’”……

The kind of friend that doesn’t leave you for other friend.

The one that listens to your cry eventhough not offering his shoulder to cry on.

The one that makes you smile and not asking you to make him smile.

The one that remembers you and not the one who asks you to forget him.

The one to laugh and cry together, not just when you laugh.

The one that knows how to make you happy and knows when you are sad.

The one that stays, not the one who can’t wait to leave.

The one that remember to invite me to go to class and Jumaat prayer together. That asks me to accompany him not only when he is all alone and no other friend is around.

The one that never delete me from facebook just because I've made him mad.

Maybe the real thing that I should ask for is MIRACLE to have this kind of'friend'. Perhaps. Perhaps. But I'll keep praying. And waiting. Be positive. B +. :'P

Write curses
  1. I still remember,being treated like a weirdo cuz i read form 4 fizik/chemistry during form 1. n for some reason they think im a kaki report, when i dont think anybody has ever gone to JDM because of me, cuz im quite a teacher's pet. and i still remember a senior, a nice guy, very intelligent (only 1 semester not 4flat if im not mistaken) being estrange by his peers becuz his kind to women, kind to teachers, yet quite uncompetitive in sport. i was quite close to that senior and i remember at volleyball court, a senior once told me that he dont want to be in the same team as me cuz im an "adek" to the intelligent senior, which is uncompetitive in sport, so i shud be bad at sports too... not to mention they call me pakcik teori cuz of all the reading ive done. when i missed a ball, they'd tell me jgn teori sgt and whatso ever... haters gonna hate, dont let urself be juz like them

  2. gosh! u r the first ever person to comment on this post. i'm so glad that there's somebody else who feels the same way as i did. yes, haters gonna hate. we have to find our own strength and prove to them that we are no way worse than them.

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  4. i think u just need 2 b happy wit urself...
    its not wrong to be different~
    dat makes u special...


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