(Teaser) Dialog Orang Muda

Saya teringat masa-masa yang saya habiskan bertengkar dengan Abang, lalu saya merasa kesal. Entah kenapa kekesalan datang ketika melihat Abang terlantar sakit ketika demam panas.

“Abang, aku tuamkan kepala kau.” Abang separa terbangun, separa terjaga.  

Saya menukar kain di kepalanya yang sudah sejuk.

Saya menyuruh Abang balik ke rumah, tapi dia tidak yakin saya memandu. Dia sendiri tidak larat memandu.

Petang dua hari yang lalu, sewaktu hujan lebat, Abang balik ke bilik mengadu tidak sihat. Dia menaiki motor pulang dari fakulti, dalam perjalanan hujan lebat. 

“Kenapa kau redah hujan? Tunggulah sampai hujan teduh.”

“Aku nak cepat balik.”

“Kenapa?”

“Aku nak bawak kau pergi Seoul Garden. Hari ni kan birthday kau.”

Malam itu kami tidak ke mana-mana. Abang tidak larat benar.

“Maafkan aku.” Katanya.

Selesai menuam kepalanya, saya bersandar di katil.

“Hei, aku bangga ada ahli MPP sanggup meredah hujan sebab nak sambut birthday kawan dia.”

Abang diam.

Tanpa disedari, air mata saya menitik.

“Kenapa? Kau sedih ke tak dapat makan Seoul Garden?”

Saya menggeleng-geleng kepala. Menyedari Abang masih risaukan saya, saya bertambah haru. Saya mengumpul kekuatan untuk berbicara.

“Kau tahu, keluarga aku tak pernah ingat hari jadi aku.” Saya berkata kepada Abang, cuba sedaya upaya tidak kelihatan seperti meraih simpati.

“Aku tak sangka orang yang takde pertalian darah dengan aku sanggup meredah hujan sebab teringat hari jadi aku.”

“Aku rasa hukuman untuk aku kot, tak menghargai keluarga aku.” Abang menjawab semula.

“Kau tahu, masa aku form 2. Hari jadi aku. Mak aku janji dengan aku balik dari sekolah mak aku akan bagi aku kek hari jadi. Kau tahu, balik dari sekolah aku punyalah semangat nak tengok kek tu. Sekali aku tengok kek tu kek yang mak aku masak sendiri. Kek pelangi yang takde icing pun. Lepas tu aku menjerit dengan mak aku “Taknak kek ni! Kek ni buruk!”

Abang tiba-tiba mengalirkan air mata.

“Mungkin balasan dosa aku kot.”

Saya sama terdiam. Hujan di luar terus menggila. 

“Lepas tu mak aku cuba pujuk aku, tapi aku tetap taknak kek tu. Kek orang lain masa hari jadi semua cantik. Kenapa kek hari jadi aku tak cantik?”

“Sekurang-kurangnya mak kau ingat, Abang.”

Abang tidak menjawab.

SILENCE

I’m counting the passing of every minute, every day, and every week since our last meeting. 

We last met on your wedding, on 3rd of October. I remember telling you someday before that, jokingly of how I believe that your wedding would likely be our last time together. It’s funny how what I said could still come true in the future, despite my lack of faith in myself. But that is apparently the way with things; your least favourite, unwanted things could be the outcome of your fate.

I have always thought happiness is the prerequisite or the prelude of an impending disaster; waiting for the second shoe to drop. For some time in my life, you are the best that has happened to me. It’s unfair that people have a totally different notion on what I thought about you, when I genuinely think you are the person who opens up a different whole wider range of my personality – my best friend.

You taught me that my insecurities meant nothing when I have faith in myself. You taught me that being insecure is what makes me human, and that fear of failure and fear of something unknown are not as scary if I have the right attitude and mindset to face them.

Being happy for that moment, intuitively, was the telltale sign that something bad and inevitable was coming our way - Separation. 

I have always believe you are a part of my destination; the companion that I could rely on my whole life, the one that I found along my journey and would accompany me to the end. Your opinions always matter to me. 

I remember those 3 days when we didn’t talk to each other for the first time, and at the end of the period, you taught me a lesson I never forget – that whom I was angry at all along was not you, but it was myself. I was angry for feeling so inadequate and weak. I was angry that I was unable to accept myself for who I am.

It’s always like that – you were my guru in life, teaching me so much more that I ought to learn about myself, you were the companion I needed – to tell me right from wrong, to listen to what I have to say and to protect me from danger I brought upon myself. I wonder about every possibility of the destination we’re heading to, when every direction was a new place yet to be discovered with you.

But when I was envisioning a future with you, you thought of me as a part of your journey, a mere face that would someday fade away. You would remind me that every single person we know is another person we would leave – that every time there’s a hello, there’s a goodbye.

Your wedding was the point of no return, sadly. Bit by bit before that, we drifted apart. Trying to communicate with you proves to be a chore; and distance makes us grow apart. Every time I wanted to stay in touch, I feel like I’m being selfish, like I was going to hold you back from enjoying life. That our time is over and now you have to explore your life on your own, on your pace without me.  

It is exactly 3 months and 12 days since we last saw each other; more than a quarter of a year, and the last time I called you was on your convocation. I had a plethora of things to say, that I missed you and our little chats, and the phase of us growing up, and I wanted to listen to your stories of how much you have changed and how much you have grown from then. But surprisingly, the conversation on the phone was us again, talking so talkatively like we had never even separated, just the way we always were that I began to believe myself that the separation did never occurred and I have just met you a few hours earlier. 

Writing this piece again, addressing ‘you’ as ‘you’ is godawful to think that ‘you’ will never read this or anything else that I wrote for ‘you’. That you never really understood or would understand that certain things I could not express verbally and this is my solace; writing down all that I feel no matter how goddamn awkward it can be. Being honest is my strength when all else is lost. 

It is ironic that I would be all alone again after I found you. Whatever remains from our encounter and companionship is now a torturing silence. I know to be thinking about how lonely I have felt for all this while doesn’t seem like a good cause for writing, but it seems like writing is the only outlet for this whirlpool of emotions. That I feel like you have been ignoring me and I could not make you see that your silence is the loudest scream of disapproval, of abandonment. 

I treasured dearly many things about you, but this silence is just unnerving. You didn’t answer my messages, didn’t engage in any conversation in our group chats, and you never make plans anymore. What is even scarier is the thought that we no longer have anything in common until we have nothing to talk about anymore, and that perhaps is the truth.

I guess you were telling the truth after all, that I was just another face in your journey. And I think that’s alright – despite the disappointment and the disheartenment that I've been enduring. I guess losing you makes me a better friend, that I would treasure friendship more than before now that I’ve seen how our friendship changes me – in all the good ways. And befriending you and losing you in the end inspires me in many different ways. The silence might seem the loudest now, but perhaps this is the tranquility that I have been needing to push me forward to my unknown destiny.

My Review on The Force Awakens

I’m not a Star Wars fanboy – just so we clear. So in a way, I did not anticipate the coming of another Star Wars movie in the first place. 

I, however am well aware of the epicness of the Star Wars universe – the extravagant, groundbreaking story of a movie so important in pop culture that it carved its own name in humankind timeline. The first three movies (chronologically according to the real time, that is) are the bomb. Like super duper bomb. That, I could give to the Star Wars.

The first three episodes or the prequels which were released from 1999 to 2005 however were not as satisfying as the originals. 

I remember being starstruck by the motion pictures when I was a kid, even when watching the movies on the small screen. The original Star Wars were nothing short of awesome, spectacular and way ahead of the trend. It breaks every record and exceeds every expectation – it reaches a high point that nobody even thought existed.   

So finally on the 1^st of January 2016, against all odds, after ages of cinematic dryspell (aher aher), I watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens on the big screen. 

The new Star Wars, Episode VII is simply a cinematic success, so to speak. The acting and action were brilliant, the CGI was excellent, and the appearance from the original cast made the movie even more bittersweet. But that’s all the good things there are to speak about the movie.

Unfortunately, time changes everything. 

The new Star Wars movies relied heavily on CGI, while the old ones were created from elaborate props and for lack of better word, camera tricks. The new Star Wars could never compare to the brilliance of the originals movie making. The originals were created in a time when it is impossible to create such movies without going to great lengths. And went to great lengths, they did. Yoda, for instance, was a manually operated puppet. If the originals were to be created during our time, I am pretty certain Yoda would simply be CGIed.  

When I first watched the original Star Wars, I marveled at the fact that I could not fully comprehend what I was seeing, with question ‘How do they do that?’ kept playing in my mind. The curiosity kept me interested and for me it was still a mystery. But watching The Force Awakens, I quickly lose interest in the vibrant pictures because I knew it was all green screen and CGI. It was technological-wise, awesome, but that is the best it can give. Awesome, but only on a mechanical level. 

Using real props as opposed to using CGI, the difference lies clearly in the realness of the image. The CGI technology still yet to catch up in providing the audience a sense of realness while watching, and The Force Awakens fails in this fashion. I was hoping the cinematic magic of the original Star Wars are still there – more props, less effects. Sadly, this was not the case. Everything felt too pixelated. 

The original Star Wars was a trendsetter. The Force Awakens, from years of watching similar CGI fest on screen, dulls the whole experience. I was in a way disappointed that the movie fails to deliver that feeling of awe like the originals did to me. The Force Awakens did nothing new than what other 11 or so other movies had already accomplished.  

The mixture of new and old cast however was awesome and it took the audience a walk down memory lane. Seeing Leia and Han Solo in a scene again touches your heart knowing that these people were the same people from the same movie 30 years ago. The raw emotions when they reunited were real and you know that they do really feel what they show on screen – that this was not only their reunion in the movie, this was also their reunion in real life.

The Force Awakens, though was riding on the nostalgia coattail to satisfy the old audience, did so in an amazing, nonchalant way. Not too calculative, not too forcing, just good enough to leave the audience longing for more and leave them crying in nostalgia. 

The plot and plot twists are not so great however. Kylo Ren for me is not a villain created to be hated, nor is he worth of our sympathy. I had nothing to feel about his brutal way and sincerely after watching hours of villain-centric shows like Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad, it’s hard to be satisfied when the villains are written in a lazy manner. Maybe they would give Kylo Ren more backstory in Episode VIII, but for The Force Awakens, Kylo Ren serves as a villain who is bad for the sake of being bad.   

The fact that he is the son of Leia’s and Han’s repeated a dozen similar plots in other movies, oh you know the drill – family issues, parents failure, inherit power from parents and gone bad etc etc. Again, nothing new in the villain department.

All in all, The Force Awakens succeeded mostly because it stays loyal to the old audience – it offers some pieces of the originals – Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2 etc etc. It also does not abandon the new audience by offering actions, a powerful cast ensemble (Daisy Ridley was stunning in her role) and enough CGI fest to boot. 

Some of the old audience, the starry eyed kid watching the originals like me, might not be impressed as much, but as I said it earlier, time has skewed our expectations. We expect too high because most of our preexisted expectations has been fulfilled. Maybe we should lower our expectations a bit to learn to enjoy, I don’t know. The Force Awakens was a great movie after all, breaking every record there is, though it falls short in exceeding expectations. 

And for Disney, The Force Awakens is the first base to expand the Star Wars universe even more and this is the new cash cow it can milk for decades to come.

Verdict: A great action movie for all, just not as groundbreaking as the originals.