Bye Bye Fahim

I am writing this piece again with a recurring feeling of several months before. The fear of moving towards the future with one less companion.

It is strange really, for starter, my new circles of acquaintances were all have names starting with the letter F. My housemates – Fahmi and Fadhli. And my coworkers – two Faizals, Fahim, Fareez and Farhan.

It was a bizarre coincidence, but an interesting one too. 

So not long after that, I began to develop friendship with these people, Fahim particularly. I would call him a man, but that would not suit his childishness – so he was a boy of 26 – same age as mine. 

Most of the time, I had to conceal my true self while working. Act all serious, professional – because I was the youngest in my previous company among the officers. I could not show them my real colours, because I feared of being judged. But having Fahim as my companion, I could comfortably be myself – the funny kid I am – because Fahim is one too.

We clicked away just like that – particularly because we were born the same year, thus we understand each other a lot better. We are also both doing our Master’s degree, which is a fact that puts us on the same level ground. 

Fahim and I instantly became a dynamic duo, we worked the best as a team. We are different, two opposing poles, but that makes us complement each other. He is the Bad Cop, while I’m the Good Cop. He’s the yin and I’m the yang.  

We would meet clients together, and we developed camaraderie with the clients too with our cheekiness and carefree way of working. We would finish each other’s sentences; with laughs and stupid jokes, each time strengthening the notion that we have a fantastic teamwork and our clients can sense that too. 

We fought our enemies, with us being Bad Cop, Good Cop. Fahim would launch the aerial attacks, while I cover the ground. He would sound angry, and I would sound sympathetic towards the enemy. Boom! We managed to make the enemy feel angry and sad at the same time, but with us clearly winning the fight. The enemy would be exhausted from the fight, for when they are mad I would calm them down, and when they’re calmed down Fahim would provoke them up again. It’s a vicious cycle of abuse, but we played the game quite well, leaving the enemy speechless and defeated in the end. 

After so long a time, I finally have a career that is Okay with me being myself and I no longer have to act all stuck-up professional and uptight. I can simply be the stupid funny me and I don’t have to care either people thought of me as unprofessional or not. 

And one thing that I would have to say I love most about being friends with Fahim is that how he would always invite me to Jemaah with him to the surau during prayer time. Fahim is a constant reminder for me to remember God, and I feel grateful for that.

So after 3 months of our teamwork, finally Fahim decided to leave to focus on his study. It doesn’t quite leave me astounded, but I was not happy about it either. I told Fahim that I would be leaving if he’s leaving too for I see no point for me to stay if I have to do all the things by myself. 

But I know that some people appear in your life to elevate you higher, and once they’ve served that purpose, you’re going to the next level, leaving them behind. Perhaps Fahim has fulfilled that cause, and now I have to learn to leave with what he had taught me. Sometimes that is the way we learn things. 

Fahim taught me that it’s OK to be me in the corporate world, and being professional does not necessarily mean being any less funny. Because this is all just temporary, and it’s pathetic to be pretentious while living this short life.

Future is scary, and scarier with one less companion. But there are people we’ve lost along the way, and aren’t we all doing just fine? 

Farewell now, Fahim. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. No one goodbye is easy to bid, especially this time. But it was an uplifting experience knowing you, and I am thankful for that.

Nota Dari Tanah Suci

 
Masa dekat Mekah, Mak dengan Abah balik dari Masjidil Haram mesti rehat lama-lama dalam bilik, sebab dah tak larat. Kami nak pergi anak beranak ke Masjidil Haram mesti tengah-tengah berjalan tu saya menitik air mata sebab terasa berat sekali nak membawa Mak yang sakit lutut sambil menolak Abah atas kerusi roda. Terkedek-kedek kami berjalan ke Masjidil Haram dari hotel, dalam satu kilometer juga bawah suhu gurun yang kering. 
 
Tapi dugaan itu tanda kasih sayang Allah kepada kita. Kalau dekat tanah air pun kita diuji, dekat sana di Tanah Suci lagilah kita kena berlapang dada.
 
Dalam pada kita gigih mengerjakan ibadah, Allah kurniakan banyak benda yang kita tak sedari. Kadang-kadang Allah beri kita ukhwah dengan jemaah sesama kita, tanda kasih sayang Dia pada kita. 
 
Saya teringat seorang kakak – yang saya tidak pernah terlintas untuk bertanya namanya. Saya lihat keluarganya cukup bahagia – dia bersama ibu bapanya dan anak lelaki sulungnya yang beberapa tahun lebih tua daripada saya mengerjakan umrah bersama-sama. Betapa mulanya saya berasa iri hati melihat mereka saling bantu membantu sesama keluarga, ibunya yang tua kadang-kadang tidak larat berjalan bergilir-gilir ditolak ahli keluarganya. 
 
Saya pulak membawa Abah dengan Mak seorang, perlahan-lahan melangkah setapak demi setapak ke Masjidil Haram bersama-sama. 
 
Hubungan kami dengan keluarga kakak itu tidaklah bermula secara aneh, tetapi perlahan-lahan. Dari perbualan kecil ketika menunggu lif sampai, di dewan makan, seterusnya sewaktu berziarah tempat-tempat bersejarah di sekitar Mekah dan Madinah. 
 
Yang anehnya, dalam keluarga saya, saya yang paling ramah dengan jemaah lain. Mak dengan Abah mungkin penat, kurang bercakap di sana.
 
Sewaktu ke ladang kurma dekat Bukit Uhud dan pasar kurma di Madinah, ketika itulah hubungan kami dan keluarga kakak itu menjadi rapat. Kakak itu orang Kedah, dan anak lelakinya dia bahasakan sebagai Along.
 
Di ladang kurma, kakak itu teringin membeli kacang pistachio tapi harganya agak mahal.
Setelah kami tiba di pasar kurma, saya berjaya mencari kedai yang menjual kacang pistachio yang agak murah. Sewaktu naik bas, lekas saya memberitahunya.
 
“Along, pergi ikut beli kacang cerdik!” arahnya pada anaknya, menyuruh saya menemankan anaknya membeli kacang pistachio yang mereka pangil kacang cerdik. Dapatlah kami masing-masing membeli sekilo kacang pistachio.
 
Kakak itu ramah sangat orangnya, menggelarkan dirinya sebagai ‘Kitchen Officer’. “Suri rumah suri rumah tak mainlah, kita Kitchen Officer!” kata kakak itu, mengundang gelak saya.
 
Dalam pada kami berbual gembira, tiba-tiba dia bertanya “Bawak mak dengan ayah pergi umrah ka?”
Saya mengangguk kecil, setuju.
 
“Untunglah boleh pergi dengan mak ayah. Along tu ayah dia baru meninggal 6 bulan lepas”. Tiba-tiba suara kakak itu sedih, sambil menunjuk ke arah anaknya. 
 
“Kalau tak kami pergi satu keluarga lah ni.”
 
Saya mengangguk perlahan. Suara kakak itu mula menjadi perlahan. Saya terasa getar hati kakak itu yang baru kematian suami.
 
“Along dah kahwin ke kak?” saya mengubah topik.
 
“Dah, tapi bini dia tak bawak. Ayah akak yang belanja dia pergi umrah, dia sorang jelah pergi. Kalau dia taknak pergi, ayah akak bawak cucu lain!”
 
Begitulah, mungkin Allah memberi ingatan melalui kakak itu bahawa saya sebenarnya beruntung dapat mengerjakan umrah bersama-sama ibubapa. Selama di Tanah Suci, kerap kali saya berasa gundah terpaksa menjaga Mak dengan Abah. Bukanlah saya mengeluh, tetapi kebanyakan masanya saya merasa tidak mampu menjaga mereka baik-baik.
 
Kata-kata kakak itu mengingatkan saya erti bersyukur. Seperti anaknya yang dipilih untuk menunaikan umrah bersama-sama keluarganya, saya juga dipilih untuk membawa Mak dan Abah menjadi tetamu Allah. 
 
Dan ada masanya, saya tidak sedar Allah memberi bantuan kepada saya melalui jemaah-jemaah lain. Ada masanya saya terlambat memimpin Abah naik ke bas, tetapi jemaah-jemaah lain terlebih dahulu memimpin Abah dan melipat kerusi roda Abah ke dalam bonet bas.
 
Kakak itu juga tidak terkecuali. Sewaktu Mak terpisah mengikut jemaah wanita, kakak itu berkata kepada saya “Takpe, akak jaga Mak adik.” 
 
Allah, terharu saya sebentar. Rasa begitu melimpah-limpah kasih Allah kepada kita. 
 
Sampailah ke lapangan terbang untuk pulang semula ke Malaysia, hubungan kami dengan keluarga kakak itu kekal akrab.
 
Sebelum berangkat pulang, kakak itu menghulurkan saya senaskhah buku nota.
 
“Adik, tulis nama, nombor telefon, alamat. Nanti kalau akak singgah Pahang boleh singgah rumah adik!”
 
Saya menulis nama Mak dalam buku nota itu sebelum memulangkan semula buku itu kepadanya. Kakak itu kemudiannya menghulurkan buku nota itu kepada jemaah lain.
 
Tetapi sampai sekarang belum lagi mendengar khabar darinya sejak pulang ke Malaysia. Saya pula yang kesal tidak mengambil nombor telefon kakak itu.

Young, Dope, Proud

Call it hormone, call it raging emotions.

The storms brew a thousand tiny needles, piercing through our soul. 
 
It’s a hopeless, futureless union, but it felt good.
 
The lights turned down low, only now dim rays illuminating the actions – slow but sure.
Our emotions are elevated to a euphoria height for a split second, followed by a rush of blood into our veins covering the tracks of excitement. 
 
But we never care, not for now. For something too beautiful to happen within our relatively short span of time is a wonder in itself. This is the forbidden fruit of love; of hope; and of deviance itself – culminating into this one moment of infatuation when nothing else matters. 
 
Heaven is a place on earth with you. You make me crazy, you make me wild. Your golden brown skin glimmers under the light, an awkward laugh broke the serene silence, but after so long I felt so much alive. Like a baby, like a child – life becomes so weightless, thin – simple. 
 
It’s how I defined those blue nights when the past seems small and the future seems manageable. The touch of the fingers works so much wonder that we could not have known better. 
 
It’s things as simple as that we hold dear to our hearts. For just a brief moment, a bright light, an explosion of feelings, the height of emotions all coexist in us. The pursuit to achieve that one small moment again later determines the crossing of our paths. 
 
We long for that one fleeting moment of happiness – always.