30 December 2014

I NEVER WANT TO COOK AGAIN

A carrot.
5 ordinary sausages.
2 black pepper sausages.
300 gram of chicken (more or less so)
2 tomatoes.
A zucchini
A can of mushroom

2 tins of Prego tomato sauce

A tablespoon or two of chilli sauce

1 chicken cube

And the most important ingredient of all; the passion and love.


These are all the ingredients to make a perfect spaghetti sauce; give and take. But the number does not work rigidly like that. This is where the passion and love come into picture. With passion, you’re going to have a clear idea on how the dish tastes like without you having to follow religiously the numbers. Your tongue knows the right taste. Your fingers sprinkle the right quantity.


It’s the magic of the cook, I call it.

I used to love cooking. In my past life, cooking is an essential part of it. I had a critic who would rate every of my cooking, no exceptions, and is a friend I dearly loved.

Every day; waiting for my roommate to come back, having prepared all the ingredients, I would start cooking. The smell of the food can be smelled a hundred feet away, it even disturbed our neighbours. My roommate would instantly know I was cooking even before he turned in the key.


When he came in, he would asked me promptly with a joyful face “Masak apa hari ni?”

“Biasa je. Masak spageti!”


“Wooo syoknya!”

The smile on his face is a non verbal compliment, which I treasure enormously.

I threw in everything inside in a casual sequence, from the onion and garlic for some tumis-ing, the tomatoes, then the carrot, the chicken, the sausages, the mushroom, the zucchini and the sauce. Last but not least was the chicken cube. The epilogue ingredient, the post scriptum of the cooking is the herb oregano, which would give the sauce a distinct taste. Every single ingredient was thrown with precision, no hesitation, but it was just the right amount. It is the magic, no less. Without having to give much thought, you prepare the dish just with the right balance of tastes.

The passion and love that I have for cooking, I shared it full heartedly with my roommate.

There’s that one person whom you love and treasure dearly, unconditionally. A friend, a companion. The person you want to travel the world with. The person you turn to when the world is turning its back on you. The person you want to share you dreams and fears with. That making that one person happy would give you happiness. Just to see a flash of smile across their face contents your heart. And the magic of my cooking originated from that love.

Dinner for two was served afterwards. My roommate would exclaim his excitement over the dinner. He always had great things to say about my cooking and he seemed to like every last one of it.

He said there’s something about my tom yam that would make him take second helpings, and thirds, and fourths even after the dinner time is over.

He loved my lemon steamed fish which he said tastes just like a great restaurant’s.

He specifically loved my spaghetti, which he would ask me to cook every two weeks.

My curry mee, which I intentionally cook tads hotter, but he loved them just the same nonetheless.

During the evenings, I would fry cucur tepung which can make anyone’s mouth waters just by smelling. We would eat the cucur while thinking and envisioning the future of our lives.

It contented my heart to make someone happy through things that I love. I was happy to cook – to spread the magic to those around me.

Not long after, we had to part ways. It was the end of the terms and we had no other options than moving on. Our fellowship was going to end, and like it or not, we had to go. It was a very painful occasion for me. I was thrown aback emotionally, and it hit me harder than I thought it could.

It was by then, unknowingly, I’ve lost the magic touch.

Being in solitude, I tried cooking again for myself, but something was not right. The taste of the food was never the same. My tongue failed me. My fingers lost the ability to accurately sprinkle. The passion went down the drain.

The tastes never came off right. The spaghetti sauce becomes too spicy to my liking; the curry mee just tastes like curry powder and nothing else, the tom yam was just OK.

I realised that the separation was too much it detriments my ability to cook. I had no reason to cook anymore. The magic is lost. I consequently sealed away the pan, the chopping board, the spatula and every item of my kitchen into a box, and sat silently at the corner of the room, contemplating what went wrong.
I never touched the box again to this day.

29 December 2014

BANJIR


It’s the time of the year. 

Masa banjir.

Tak macam tahun-tahun sebelum ni, banjir 2014 ialah banjir terburuk sepanjang saya bernafas atas muka bumi. Dahsyat. 

Tempat-tempat yang sebelum ni tak pernah ampuh dek banjir, tahun ni dah naik. Malah lebih tinggi lagi daripada banjir besar 1971.

Kampung saya dekat Temerloh alhamdulillah belum lagi disentuh air. Ada jugak perasaan risau, tapi kalau rumah saya tenggelam maksudnya satu Temerloh dah tenggelam, sebab rumah saya antara puncak tertinggi Temerloh.

Sebenarnya saya ada satu pengakuan nak buat. Saya dulu suka sangat banjir.

Setiap kali tengok banjir dekat TV masa kecik-kecik dulu selalu cakap “Bestnya boleh mandi air banjir!” Excited tengok anak-anak kecil bawak pelampung, mandi ramai-ramai. Macam pesta air. Kadang-kadang tu mak bapak pun join sekaki. Tapi Temerloh jarang sangat kena banjir. Jadi selalu hujung-hujung tahun berharap dalam hati supaya Temerloh pun kena banjir.

Saya anggap banjir ni macam taman tema air yang alam hadiahkan dekat depan rumah kita. Rasa macam rumah kita tiba-tiba jadi sebahagian daripada Sunway Lagoon. Saya suka sangat banjir sampai kadang-kadang tu termimpi-mimpi rumah saya kena banjir. Ada lebih kurang 3 mimpi saya tentang banjir daripada kecik yang sampai sekarang saya ingat. 

Bila dah besar, baru sedar yang banjir ni bukan benda jenaka. Bukan benda main-main. Kalau silap langkah boleh mati. 

Tapi walaupun dah tahu, still ada sikit lagi part kanak-kanak dalam hati saya yang suka tengok air yang banyak. Rasa takjub tengok. Kagum semacam air boleh naik setinggi-tingginya bila hujan. Sedikit seronok jugaklah hehe.

Temerloh sekarang ni sedang bergelap. Hati langsung tak tenang memikirkan air yang semakin naik. Fikirkan keluarga dekat kampung macam mana. 

Nak kata semua ni ketentuan Allah itu sudah tentu. Tapi ketentuan Allah itu berlaku atas kelemahan manusia sendiri. Tangan-tangan manusia sendiri yang menghancurkan alam. Bukit-bukit ditarah atas dasar pembangunan, hakisan tanah menyebabkan sungai semakin cetek, pokok-pokok yang melambatkan hujan sampai ke tanah dan menyerap air ditebang. 

Semuanya sebab nak buat bangunan baru. Tapi ironinya, bila banjir berlaku bila alam bertindakbalas, bangunan-bangunan yang kita bina tu kita tinggalkan. Nampak tak? 

Tahun ni buat pertama kalinya dalam sejarah, jumlah penduduk dunia yang tinggal di kawasan bandar dah melebihi jumlah penduduk di kawasan kampung (51%). Tapi sayangnya atas nama kemajuan ni kita korbankan alam kita. 

Lagi sedih bila kita tahu hutan yang diteroka tu menguntungkan tokey-tokey balak. Tokey-tokey balak ni masa banjir dia tak terasa sebab rumah dia dekat tempat mewah, tak sentuh dek air. Takpun dah lari siap-siap bercuti oversea. Dia peduli apa, dia dah kenyang ratah hasil bumi. Yang merasa derita ni semua rakyat marhaen yang menadah je, takde pilihan lain. 

Bukan kita tak tahu, undang-undang ada nak melindungi hutan kita. Tapi sebab ‘tangan-tangan ghaib’ tiba-tiba undang-undang tu serupa tak wujud. Macam kes penternakan ikan sturgeon dekat Taman Negara jugaklah. 

Marah memang marah. Tapi kesedaran tu takde jugak. Hutan kita lepas habis banjir ni kena teroka lagi, sampai takde apa dah tinggal nanti. Kita bersuara macam mana pun, suara kita takkan  sampai. Kata orang Melayu, ‘ada padi semua jadi, ada beras semua deras’. Tu zaman dulu masa padi penting. Sekarang ni bila duit penting ‘ada duit semua jadi’.
Semoga Allah menyelamatkan kita semua. Amin.


18 December 2014

LOVE, LIFE, LOAFERS!

 

Heyyy guys out there! Are you tired of wearing socks with your shoes? Have you ever thought of switching from shoes to something more casual, well not really casual like a sandal, and something not too laid-back like slippers, but something exactly in between casual and formal? Something that you can wear both to the office and to social gatherings?

I have just the answer. It’s loafers!

OK, I am honestly one of those people yang rimas gila kena pakai kasut to formal events or even while working. And I am also quite ashamed of myself pergi kenduri pakai selipar. But woe is no more that finally I’ve switched to loafers!

Loafers are perfect for those who want to have something to wear in both formal and casual occasions without shedding any extra money, and are comfortable for both. (And plus, you won’t need to wear socks hewhew)

Here are 3 ways you can personalize your style with loafers. You all can thank me later! So here goes:

1- Smart Casual

The first look book idea for men to flaunt their loafers is to match it with smart casual attire. Wear the loafers with a shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts for a complete dashingly handsome appearance.

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“I’m wearing loafers so they won’t know I skip leg days!”

 

2- Formal Attire

The next way a man can show off their loafers is to wear it with a nice business suit. Switch those classic leather shoes with a pair of trendy loafers and step out feeling confident. Impress the people at the workplace with your remarkable sense of fashion and make yourself approachable. Dress nicely at work will definitely score you points as well as boost your level of confidence and energy. (You can try asking for a raise while wearing loafers. It might work!)

 

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“I don’t even wear socks, boo hoo!”

 

3- Casual

Another way man can style their loafers is to wear it with their casual clothing such as a plain tee and jeans or a tank top. Other than wearing flip flops or sandals during the weekends, spice up your wardrobe with a pair of loafers. Select a pair of loafers which is versatile to be match with anything or have fun with printed ones. And this will suit you well if you’re attending social gatherings, kenduri-kendara, strolling at night markets. You’ll look good and casually handsome.

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“Hey, my eyes are up here! Not on my loafers!”

 

4- Naked with only your loafers on

Tired of not getting the chicks? Get nakkid with only your loafers on!

 

 

So dudes, what you’re waiting for! Change now to loafers. Be electric!

 

 

If you are wondering where to get loafers for men collection online, ZALORA now offers you an extensive choice of loafers from various brands at a very affordable price!

Make your way to zalora.com.my and check out their irresistible offers.

Have a nice day everyone, and don’t forget to change to loafers!

17 December 2014

Breakup Song

What’s your breakup song?

 

My friend asked me one day, while we were having a group dinner.

 

What? I chuckled.

I had never given a single thought on it. Maybe because I had never gone through a breakup.

 

“Well, mine is from yada yada yada”

I couldn’t recall what’s the song, but I’m pretty sure it’s an Indonesian artist.

 

I listened, skeptically. “Is that an integral part of a break up? To have a break-up song?”

 

I asked myself in reality.

 

There’s this saying circulating on the internet, and I’m not sure from who, but it sounded like this: “When you’re happy, you listen to the music. But when you’re sad, you listen to the lyrics”. It means when you are sad, suddenly the lyrics makes perfect sense. When you are happy, you just pay attention to the music.

 

How it’s like, breaking up? Honestly, I think I’m a hopeless romantic. I never talk casually about love, because for me, love is not something you should toy with. You should be serious when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

However, with the saying in mind, I answered my friend’s question.

 

“I think mine is from Anggun. Still Reminds Me.”

 

“Urgh, taknak lah Anggun. Tak tahu.” My friend responded. With that, the conversation ended.

 

I don’t know about breakup songs, but everytime I’m parting with someone whom I love dearly, as friends, as companions, sad songs began to make sense. Those lyrics resonated with my emotions, and it reflects exactly what I have been feeling, in words. But I was not particularly in love with those friends.

 

Depending on different groups, opinions about me differ. Some groups think I’m naughty, my colleagues think I’m a naïve nerd, my family thinks I will never find my true love, some friends think I’ve lost my virginity. When in truth is, none of that is the truth (or not the truth, yet). I’m just comfortable being with my friends that the thought of being loved becomes a distant notion. I have love of my family though.

 

And truth is also, I never tried finding love. Maybe I’ve given up, maybe I’m afraid of rejection, maybe I’ve never even interested to be in a relationship. Or maybe because I think God will grant me love once He knows I’m ready. But whatever it is, love is not my motivation. Maybe it was, I don’t know. But for the time being, it’s just not. My motivation is simply happiness, and it is not a one way street.

 

But that doesn’t mean I’m closing the door to love altogether. If it comes my way, I’ll just accept it. After all, love is magical. It will come when you were least expecting it. But I am not desperate enough to go out in search for it. (Y’know what I mean?)

 

Needless to say, sad songs are very relatable when I’m feeling lonely. With the songs playing in the background, a strange feeling emancipating from the heart, but no clear faces appear in the head.

 

“Have you ever been in love though?”

 

Some might ask. I could not lie on that one. I’ve been in love before, but it was ages ago and because of that, I’m incapable of loving anyone else, though I’ve tried.

 

Oh and here’s another saying to ponder. My friend told me that in order for you to write something painfully beautiful, you need to feel love first. I suppose I’ve already qualified on that one.

 

Now should I write a breakup song of my own?

16 December 2014

Rindu

Bila kita rindu,

Kelabu dalam abu-abu

Yang paling haru

Pun takkan rasa sebegitu pilu.

 

Pinjamnya sekejap kasih berteduh.

Bukannya selalu bara genggam jadi debu.

 

Biarlah kawan, terbanglah.

Kadang-kadang, ironisnya, aku hanya rasa kuat bila mata jadi basah.

UNLUCKY

 

Tahu tak, bila dah bekerja, satu tabu yang kita tak boleh langgar ialah tidur lambat?

Yeahhh betul. Jangan ingat sebab kita dah dewasa kita boleh suka-suka buat apa yang kita nak. Turns out, bila jadi dewasa makin jadi macam budak sekolah.

Kena tidur awal, kena bangun pagi setiap hari. Sebelum tidur gosok baju. Kena pakai uniform *sort of* pergi kerja. Dekat workplace under constant supervision. Being adults are no fun!

Sebenarnya kan, saya expect kerja bidang environment ni dapatlah masuk hutan kerap. Masuk nature. Tapi rupanya asyik bekerja dalam urban environment je. Entah bila nak masuk nature. Kadang ada jugak terfikir kenapalah dulu tak ambil course perhutanan dekat U. Mana tahu rupa-rupanya nak masuk PERHILITAN kena ada degree Sains Biologi atau Perhutanan. Takde siapa bagitahu.

Masa praktikal, boleh je praktikal dengan gajah bawah PERHILITAN dengan degree alam sekitar. Masa praktikal la seronok. Riang gembira dalam hutan, main dengan haiwan liar, mandi sungai petang-petang. Rupanya alam pekerjaan tak seindah praktikal *sobs3*

So like I was saying, kalau tidur lambat malam kerja, esoknya masa kerja produktiviti kita akan terganggu.

Malam Ahad lepas, saya bukak tingkap luas-luas sepanjang malam sebab panas. Nak tidur tu tutuplah balik tingkap. Tak sangka lah pulak, dari tingkat 11 pun nyamuk boleh menyelinap masuk. Binatang!

Bila dah nyamuk gigit-gigit tu, grrrr. Memang tak boleh tidur. Sekejap garu kaki, sekejap garu tangan. Mata nak lelap gatal tempat lain pulak. Dah tutup tingkap panas pulak, rasa tak selesa panas. Sedar tak sedar, dah pukul 2 pagi.

Pagi esoknya, awal-awal dah kena bangun. Dengan penuh bad mood pagi-pagi kena mandi. Kena drive pergi kerja.

Disebabkan tak cukup tidur, rasa lalok je dekat tempat kerja. Dekat situlah mulanya episod-episod malang.

Pertamanya pagi tu, masa nak duduk dekat bilik meeting, saya tersalah duduk dekat pemegang kerusi tu. Kerusi tu berundur ke belakang, langgar meja kecik sampai habis barang-barang meja tu jatuh. Saya pulak terduduk atas lantai. Wooo malu! Siap masa tu engineer jerit nama saya kuat-kuat sampai satu office dengar.

Ya Allah lalok gila masa tu sampai perasaan malu tu tak wired sampai otak.

Lepas tu bila tak cukup tidur, rasa grumpy semacam. Bunyi whatsapp masuk pun rasa nak campak henset ke dinding. Rasa nak termuntah, benci, malas nak buat apa-apa. *agak-agaknya ni perasaan perempuan PMS, kot? Atau macam orang kena rasuk jin hewhew*

Petang tu balik dari kerja, sebab saya rasa penat gila, bawak kereta macam angau, sambil termenung. Dekat traffic light tak sengaja *atau sebenarnya tak sedar* terlanggar kereta MyVi dekat depan. Ok, that’s not the worst part. The worst is, lesen saya dah mati. DAN, road tax juga.

Mujurlah, bumper kami hanya bercium. Like, a peck on the cheek camtu je. Takde calar apa. Ya ampun masa tu rasa lega gila. Driver tu pun sporting. He didn’t even blame me.

Episod ketiga, dah sampai rumah, tetiba takde parking sebab ada pasar malam. Lagilah rasa macam nak mengamuk. Pusing-pusing, dengan kereta yang parking makan jalan, dengan jalan tutup lagi, dengan minyak kereta dah kelip-kelip nak habis. Tahu tak pusing tu macam mana. Pusing shop lot berselisih dengan kereta lain, lalu depan pasar malam, lalu jalan yang dari 2 lane jadi setengah sebab kereta yang parking haphazardly, tengah jalan ada anjing, pusing sekali lagi depan shop lot. Bila takde parking masuk balik jalan besar. Repeat.

Dah dapat parking lepas setengah jam macam tu. Kalau takde jugak parking lepas sejam mahu kena heart attack tahu.

Malam tu keluar pergi makan. Terfikir jugak takut balik kemudian tu takde parking. Nak sedapkan hati saya cakaplah selalunya pasar malam dah dekat pukul 10 dah lengang.

Boy was I wrong. Dekat rumah saya pukul 10 is the peak hour. The traffic? Twice as worse.

Balik dari makan tu nak cari parking balik, macam nak cari harta karun. Bukan setakat dekat, yang jauh berkilo-kilo pun penuh. Lagilah saya bawak kereta macam gila. Siap rasa nak gilis anjing sebab geram duduk tengah jalan *heyy jangan marah saya, pencinta haiwan. Kalau ada manusia kacau tengah jalan masa tu pun saya gilis dengan gembiranya tahu*

Akhirnya dapatlah jugak parking lepas nak accident dengan motor. Sampai je rumah, rasa macam !%@^*!(@). Ummm tak mencarut, cuma otak rasa dungu semacam sebab terlampau letih.

Seperti biasalah, rasa macam nak berhenti kerja. Nak buat benda lain. Nak jadi lecturer. Urghhh. I hate corporate world.

 

P/S: Not all unlucky though. Zalora emailed me asking me for a collaboration. Guess God Works in Mysterious Ways. 41(1)

15 December 2014

Cerita Asrama Starting from 2002


12 tahun dah berlalu. Ingatkan lepas bertahun-tahun berlalu, kita akan lupa. Tapi macam masih lagi segar dalam ingatan. Masih hijau dalam kenangan. Malah bertitik tolak dari tahun 2002, hidup kita mula tercorak, sikit demi sikit jadi hidup kita sekarang.

Untuk kami yang lahir tahun 1989, tahun 2002 bermaksud tahun kami masuk tingkatan 1. Waktu nilah kehidupan kami semua mula berubah.

Ada yang masuk sekolah biasa, sekolah asrama, SBP, MRSM. Masa tu tak wujud lagi sekolah kluster rasanya. Bila dah masuk tingkatan 1, anjakan ekstrem berlaku. Daripada zaman sekolah rendah belum mumayyiz masing-masing ralit main Digimon tengok kartun, terus berubah ke dunia baru.

Masuk sekolah asrama, abang-abang senior suara dah pecah, muka jerawat jeragat, badan mak aih tinggi-tinggi macam pokok pinang. Kita masuk sekolah menengah hingus tak habis kesat lagi, baju belum reti seterika. Basuh seluar dalam pun tak reti. Dah kena menghadap senior-senior yang gergasi. Kalau orang kata apa rasanya masuk penjara, rasanya masa tu dah mula terasa.

Bila masuk asrama lagi dahsyat ceritanya. Abang senior datang bilik sembang pasal ‘chest fruit’ perempuan, paksa kita sembang sekali dengan dia. Tah pape, sedangkan masa tu suci kudus lagi minda kita *eceh!*

home

Tapi masa tu kita dah mula nampak masa depan. entah kenapa, semua orang macam air, senang mengalir masuk ke dalam group masing-masing. Group main bola, group atlet, group rajin belajar, group suka pergi surau, group pembuli, group adik-adik, group nerd main kad Yu-Gi-Oh, group nerd baca komik. Tanpa kita sedari, masa depan kita bermula dekat titik tu. Masa sekolah rendah belum lagi kenal identiti kolektif, kita kawan je semua orang, takde geng.

Kawan-kawan yang kita kutip masa tu, sampai sekarang pun jadi kawan kita. Yang mana dulu group main bola, sampai sekarang masih lagi group main bola. Tapi itulah, masa tu kita fragile. Kita macam span, absorb je apa-apa nilai kawan-kawan sebaya, jadi pegangan kita.

Kita tak tahu, kalau masa tu kita tak jumpa, mungkin pegangan kita sekarang akan berbeza.
Dan masa tulah, kita start buat benda-benda yang kita kesali sampai sekarang.

Benda-benda yang kalau kita boleh patah balik masa, kita nampak diri kita yang lama buat benda tu, terus kita tampar tak payah tunggu-tunggu.

Dan kalau bukan sebab tahun 2002 kita masuk sekolah tu, tahun 2005, lepas PMR, kita dah masuk tingkatan 4 kita tukar sekolah lain. Tapi sebab kita dah ada dalam satu sistem yang functional, yang tetap, yang rigid, kita stay lagi bawah sistemnya.

Dekat sini pulak, SPM dah menjelang, kita tak banyak pilihan. Kita diingatkan cuma ada 3 kerjaya kita boleh pilih – Doktor, Engineer, Akauntan. Adalah sebut farmasis, biotek sikit-sikit. Tapi luar daripada tu, kita tak nampak masa depan macam mana ada untuk kita. Tak nampak ada course kulinari, course sains perhutanan, course pendidikan. Sebab takde siapa yang ingatkan kita adanya dunia luar daripada sistem kita yang rigid, yang functional.

Masa tu kalau boleh patah balik, saya nak berbisik pada diri saya – jangan lupa masa depan tu indah. Masa depan kita bukan sistem ni yang dictate, tapi diri kita.

Lepas habis SPM, dengan result yang tak menyerlah, tersisihlah kita dari rakan sebaya. Perasaannya kita nampak deorang semua masuk dalam train, tinggalkan kita sorang-sorang dekat stesen. Yup begitulah deskripsinya. Kita rasa lonely.

Deorang dapat buat foundation, IB, A-Level, fast track. Kita masuk matrik. Deorang sebelah kaki dah confirm dapat buat course engineer/akauntan/doktor, dapat fly luar negara, kita kena bersaing balik dengan budak sekolah biasa.

Masa tu terputuslah hubungan. Kita nak berborak pun dah tak rasa sekufu. Nak kata deorang hidung tinggi, tak juga. Mungkin kita terlebih sensitif.

Tapi sekejap lepas tu, kita semua yang berpecah balik, tiba-tiba bersatu semula. Hidup kita jadi berbeza, tapi kita masih orang yang sama. Degree kita tak sama, universiti tak sama, persahabatan tu tetap juga sama.

Tahun ni dah tahun ke-12, sejak tahun kita masuk form 1 dulu. Cepat betul. Dulu belum 13, sekarang dah 25. Rasa tak percaya lagi kuat dari rasa percaya.

Tapi semuanya kembali ke titik tahun 2002 tulah. Kalau, kalaulah, misal kata, kita tak pergi sekolah tu, adakah kita akan duduk depan laptop sekarang ni, cerita pasal semua benda ni?

Mungkin sama sekali tidak. Hidup kita akan jadi berbeza, hanya kita tak tahu berbeza yang macam mana.

Paling ketara mungkin group whatsapp yang mana kita ahlinya, akan jadi lain.

Dan paling ketara mungkin, orang pertama kita cinta bukannya dia.



























14 December 2014

Big Bad Wolf

“In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free. Can’t you find a little room inside for me?”
- Back for Good, Take That
I never thought it’s you I’m meeting again here. There, from across the waist-high heap of books. I motioned to you nearer, every step taken synchronised with my heightened heartbeats. 
 
We said our ‘hi’; again. You were astounded to see me too. A nervous chuckle after. Then the shared lingering awkwardness, which was never there 7 months ago. You asked me things, I asked you stuff.

None of that really mattered, for we knew the answers already. But we were now careless in each others' presence, mumbling and stumbling our way through. You even mis-introduced me to your brother. You asked me nonsense conundrums of which the answers to are irrelevant. 
 
After so long a time, we no longer recognised the petty details of our mundane, once shared lives. We enquired each other about our routine after the separation because we genuinely were oblivious, and you even needed to ask permission to take me out for dinner. But along it all was the underlying tension sprouting from our childish nervousness. 
 
The impromptu conversation was cut short when I had to go after the pressure becomes too immense for both of us to bear. Our lives had changed so much that we no longer knew the common ground of our reunion. Smiles nonetheless were exchanged, and we left the gathering feeling a tad happier. 
 
Many nights won’t even capable of changing what I feel about you. You are still, my inspiration. And above it all, my bestest friend.




25, finally

 

Yeap, akhirnya dah masuk suku abad jua usiaku.

Urghh sudah mula rasa tua. Petang tadi lepas baca buku John Grisham, (beli dekat Big Bad Wolf 8 hengget saja hewhew) saya tertidur sekejap. Lepas tu entah kenapa masa tidur tu saya terfikir yang tahun depan dah nak masuk umur 26. Lepas tu teringat pulak yang lepas usia kita masuk 25, umur kita lagi dekat dengan 30 daripada 20.

Saya pun freaked out, lepas tu terjaga. Lepas tu bad mood sekejap. Alaa tak syoknya makin tua ni kan.

Sebenarnya, to be honest, saya masih stuck dekat tahun 2011. Kalau orang tanya tahun ni tahun apa, dalam otak terlintas tahun 2011. Kalau teringat balik sebenarnya dah tahun 2014 macam tak percaya. Paling jauh pun saya rasa tahun 2012. Tak terfikirlah tahun depan dah 2015, dalam 17 hari macam tu je tinggal.

Kalau kita compare balik gambar masa form 5 atau masa degree dengan gambar sekarang, sungguh tak percaya. Dulu kurus (tapi masa tu dah gemuk compare dengan orang lain kekeke), sekarang gemok! Dulu muda remaja, sekarang dah nampak macam adult.

Paling takut bila dah dewasa ni kan, semua tanggungjawab kena pikul. Dulu masa belajar, buat kesilapan tu adalah proses. Sekarang kalau buat kesilapan merasalah dalam meeting kena bambu.

Oh status saya sekarang? Masih seorang budak U. Cuma berehat sekejap daripada belajar, sebab tengah tunggu viva voce untuk Master’s. insyaAllah, tahun depan kalau takde aral, lepas dah siap Master saya akan sambung PhD. Sebabnya rasa-rasanya dunia korporat ni bukanlah untuk saya.

Lepas bekerja sebagai engineer, saya sekarang dah bertukar kerjaya. Sekarang bekerja di Wilayah Persektuan Putrajaya, masih dalam bidang environment. Saya tinggal dekat area Seri Kembangan sekarang, dan dari rumah saya yang tinggi mencakar langit ni boleh nampak kawasan Serdang, termasuklah UPM, The Mines dan kawasan sekitarnya.

Sebenarnya kan, terasa tak boleh move on lagi. Terasa nak masuk balik dalam U. Dulu kehidupan rasa sungguh sheltered, selamat dan terancang. Sekarang kan, tak tahulah nak describe macam mana. Kalau nak pergi bank ke, nak setelkan urusan rasmi, hidupkan lesen ke, susah sangat rasanya.

Pulak tu, duduk rumah sewa nak kunci rumah kena berapa lapis punya kunci. Dengan mangga, dengan pintu, dengan grill. Kalau keluar lambat sampai ofis takde parking, jalan jam. Faham tak kenapa orang Malaysia ni mudah kena sakit jantung? Sebab stress setiap hari ulang rutin macam ni tahu.

Oh by the way, sekrang kan tengah Big Bad Wolf Book Sale. Sebenarnya buku yang saya beli daripada Big Bad Wolf tahun 2011 pun tak habis baca lagi. Masa tu kan, Big Bad Wolf belum trending lagi. Acah-acah hipster sangat.

Sekarang ni, Big Bad Wolf dah jadi event yang common je. Tak rasa special sebab setiap tahun ada. Pulak tu, buku tahun lepas yang kita ingat rare sekali tahun ni dia jual balik. Dan jugak, kalau pergi Big Bad Wolf asyik jumpa hijabster je. Semua cakap English dengan accent mat salleh.

“Like seriously, I was looking for this book for ages!”

“What was I looking for just now?”

“Oh my God! It’s Agatha Christie’s!”

Kan? Cuba bertenang je cari buku tanpa perlu kuat-kuat nak bagitahu sumeorang awak cakap English. Sungguh hijabsterrs. Hahaha. Ok gurau je. Baguslah tu praktis cakap English walaupun cuma setahun sekali kan.

Err itu jelah kot nak cerita kali ni. Kalau sesiapa terasa pemurah nak kasik saya hadiah sempena harijadi lepas, sila lah email saya. Kahkahkah!

Bye peeps. Assalamualaikum dan kalau tak sempat nak ucap nanti, happy new year!

11 December 2014

Blue Jeans

“Love you more, than those bitches before” - Lana del Rey, Blue Jeans

It’s the smallest things that define you. Like the colour of your favourite sweater, your favourite jeans. Your favourite cologne, or spray deodorant. The way you comb your hair.

The scent of your favourite detergent, softener and shower gel. These small specific traits of yours burned brutally into my memories where they stayed unscathed for years. I remember even where you bought your first sweater, the time you start changing your haircut, all of those that you completely forgotten; not even a shred of clue left.

My friends told me I have memories of an elephant. Reciting my favourite line by the eunuch Lord Varys from Game of Thrones: “Sadly My Lord. I never forget a thing” – simply implies a trait of mine.

Sadly, I never forget a thing. I remember every single idiosyncrasy, every tiny bit, piece of you that makes you, you. Like how you mindlessly giggle at my stupid jokes and how you’d be mad at me at my provocations, but you will remain silent as a sign of protest.

In my mind cluttered with a plethora of memories, I could not even search and begin to forget even one memory of you. For with every memory, I’ve attached strong feelings to. Those memories anger me, please me, shocked me, terrify me. But the cruellest thing they did to me was weakening me.

I am weakened by regret those memories evoked. I regretted that among those memories, I could not find the one I shown you how I really felt about us. I am weak to remember how much I wronged us, obliterating the chance of a future. I am weak knowing that the past glimmers brightly than the future, that the best emotions from my memories when I was with you could not be relived. Up to some extent, the weakening evolves into, and equates to, torment.

The torment morphing into a silent resentment, with hatred and curses of profanities. I feel, essentially weak. I harbour no control against my will to remember.

I always longed something more than this superficial life I’m living. Underneath this thin façade of normalcy, the only thing remaining is my burning desire to break free. I’m so tired of pretending I can do this alone, and the desire breathes life to dreams transgressing from the realm of reality to the unattainable plane of fantasy.

It is you, the most prominent dream of all, creeping from one form to another, but true to the fundamental quintessence that you are – the haunting of that unquenchable thirst, insatiable need, throughout each dream and fantasy. I might have sense you in a different visual, context, olfactory stimuli, but it remains the same you and wanting, through and through. It’s a relentless, constant shriek from the deepest trench of my soul, demanding to settle score, demanding to even.

In my thousand shores of memories what makes you is not your looks and voice, but rather how each trait you possess ensembles into a silhouette I register as your identity. Your words, emotions, scent – a million tiny pieces completing the whole puzzle.

A pair of blue jeans, a white shirt. Everything underneath and above. The raunchy stolen kisses, a breath of hot air. The silencing noises, the piercing screams. The final motion. The gestures of love. The penetrating stares.

Memories are constructed from these – and you.

08 December 2014

Big Bad Wolf

“In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free. Can’t you find a little room inside for me?”
- Back for Good, Take That

I never thought it’s you I’m meeting again here. There, from across the waist-high heap of books. I motioned to you nearer, every step taken synchronised with my heightened heartbeats.

We said our ‘hi’; again. You were astounded to see me too. A nervous chuckle after. Then the shared lingering awkwardness, which was never there 7 months ago. You asked me things, I asked you stuff. None of that really mattered, for we knew the answers already. But we were now careless in each others' presence, mumbling and stumbling our way through. You even mis-introduced me to your brother. You asked me nonsense conundrums of which the answers to are irrelevant.

After so long a time, we no longer recognised the petty details of our mundane, once shared lives. We enquired each other about our routine after the separation because we genuinely were oblivious, and you even needed to ask permission to take me out for dinner. But along it all was the underlying tension sprouting from our childish nervousness.

The impromptu conversation was cut short when I had to go when the pressure becomes too immense for both of us to bear. Our lives had changed so much that we no longer knew the common ground of our reunion. Smiles nonetheless were exchanged, and we left the gathering feeling a tad happier.

Many nights won’t even capable of changing what I feel about you. You are still, my inspiration. And above it all, my bestest friend.

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