BATUK

Masuk hari ni, dah 5 hari batuk.

Malam je terbangun semata-mata nak batuk. “Kong kong kong!” rasa seolah-olah peparu nak terkeluar dari tekak. Kuat dan menyakitkan bunyinya. Lagi cuba ditahan lagilah terasa nak tercabut anak tekak. Setiap kali batuk keluar, terasa dada bagai dicakar-cakar duri. Pedih dan tajam.

Tak tahulah apa faktornya terkena batuk kali ni. Mungkin musim. Cuaca tak menentu. Udara kering. Ataupun sebab malam-malam bangun mandi, ataupun sebab asap ubat nyamuk. Saya kurang arif. Tapi masa mula terkena batuk kali ni, semalaman tidur bertemankan ubat nyamuk. Esoknya entah kenapa rasa kering benar tekak. Seolah-olah asap dari ubat nyamuk tu mengeringkan air liur dalam tenggorok.

Malamnya dalam kering-kering tekak, keluar malam; berembun. Bersembang sampai pagi-pagi. Sakit lagi anak tekak. Tiba-tiba je esok tu suara dah tak terkeluar. Allah, nak bercakap susah betul suara nak terkeluar.

Tapi sudah bertahun-tahun jugak tak kena batuk. Kali terakhir beberapa tahun sudah. Semalam lepas ambil je ubat dari PKU, terus terlelap tak sedar diri. Itulah, mungkin agaknya dah lama tak kena batuk. Sebab tu penangan ubat batuk tu kuat benar.

Bila terjaga hari dah petang. Malamnya pun sama. Lepas makan je ubat batuk, terus kepala rasa bergoyang. Rasa macam kaki tak jejak dunia. Teruslah masuk tidur. Bangun pun semata-mata sebab nak terbatuk.
Hari ni berulang lagi. Makan ubat, tidur. Bangun, makan ubat, tidur. Ddalam tempoh 24 jam ni, rasanya macam ¾ dah digunakan untuk tidur. Tapi belum baik lagi batuknya.

Doktor dekat PKU ada bagi antibiotik dengan panadol, tapi saya berkeras taknak makan lagi. Kalau makan antibiotik, tak boleh stop. Kena terus makan. Panadol pulak tak baik untuk badan. Selagi belum demam selagi tu tak tergamak nak telan Panadol.

Esok pulak amali dah mula. Adoi. Boleh tak mintak MC dengan Dr?

We

We’ve been to the dirtiest place. The darkest.

Along the whole ordeal, we held each other’s hands tightly, imploring for strength, hoping it would magnify from the touch of the fingers and flow into our veins. That makes things feel right though they aren’t.

There were times we soar, and we flew high, and there were days when we fell, and we fell hard.

Some places were hard to describe. Some feelings were horrendous to feel. Some touches are taboo. Some things were not meant to be.

Loving you was my source of strength; and the source of my depression.
I wanted to feel complete. I needed to feel human. And heartbreaks were what largely define humanity for me.

Some days I feel like crawling on the floor, sustaining heartbreak to its umpteenth magnitude. Some days I eschew thinking and feeling to stop feeling so miserable from losing you.

Nothing in this world seems fair to compare with this pain of not having you.

But you never knew. You won’t know. We would seem happy - we would seem like we never care - we would seem like we are good. And truth is, you do. But I don’t.

We have finally entered the final stage. Once the curtain calls, nothing left to celebrate. We would say our last goodbyes, and go separate ways.

I carry this love forever. And the heartbreak that ensues. Nothing could force me to give you up. Nothing.