Identity Crisis

 

When people ask me, where are you from? I would promptly answer, “Pahang”. Little did they know that my state of origin doesn’t really constitute who I am.

Being born into a mixed family, I always could not relate to people surrounding me. To start with, my father is Arabian and my mother is Chinese. My father was the youngest of ten siblings, and he has Arab bloodline from his father, which would later honour him and his descendants with a ‘Syed’ title, which in English translates as ‘Master’. However, my father is really a Pahangite, and his mother tongue is not Arabic. He speaks Malay in Pahang accent.

My mother is a Chinese, born in Kampung Baru, Kuala Lumpur. When she was a few days old, my grandmother abandoned her and left her to a nurse of the hospital of which she was born at. By that time, Chinese people did not really appreciate girls in a family. If the family is poor, like my biological grandparents’, there are high possibilities for the family to give away the girls. My foster grandparents adopted her and gave her Malay name. They took her and raise her in Kampung Chatin, Temerloh, Pahang. Though she looks like Chinese, she could not speak Mandarin, or Cantonese, or Hokkien. Instead, my foster grandparents used Malay with Kampar accent at home.

My mother then gave birth to seven siblings. Most of her children have Chinese look, including me. What would perplex people later is all of us have Syed’s and Syarifah’s as our surname even though we look like Chinese.

In my father’s family, we stood out like sore thumbs as all of us looked different. And unlike them, we could not speak Pahang accent with accuracy. It was because at home, my mother would speak standard Malay with us; our neighbours and my mother’s siblings communicate with Kampar accent; and only my father speaks with Pahang accent.

Sometimes, people wonder why I do not have any accent. I would rather answer because I had lived in boarding school since I was small. I think it would take much time to explain my situation. Even in school, I could not speak Pahang accent with my schoolmates. Sometimes they looked down at me for the reason. For them, it is strange if you are living in an area your whole life but you don’t sound a bit like the rest.

Sometimes I did feel like a stranger, when I could not really speak the languages of people around me. When in boarding school and university, I speak standard Malay, but still with some slang from Pahang. When with my fathers’ family, I did not speak at all, and when with my mother’s family, again I have to listen to strange words uttered that sound a little bit like Minangkabau accent.

Nevertheless, I now don’t give a damn at all. As I grow up, I learned that your colour, language and thoughts are not important, as long as you have a good heart inside.

Pahang slang translation

Koi – saya

Awok – awak

Bela – baiki

Kampar slang translation

Paje ko ye – you little moron!

Panaih anyong – panas terik

Duduk ontok –ontok – sit quietly!

LiveJournal Tags: kampar,kampung chatin

KL ke Temerloh

“But his mother is yelling no,
and his father has told him to go,
but his friend is nowhere to be seen,
as he walks through his sunken dream.”

– David Bowie, Life on Mars.

Bas, komuter, LRT, bas. Sampai balik rumah. Dalam 4 jam baru tamat perjalanan. Makin lama makin kerap ritual ni. Semua orang dah tanya “bila la ko nak habis duduk UPM?”

Saya tak tahu. Sebab saya pun tak pasti dengan masa depan. Menyusur ladang-ladang kelapa sawit dekat highway macam dah tengok pokok kuini depan rumah. Dah biasa sangat. Masa depan saya masih tergantung dekat UPM.

Not in a bad way, neither in a good way. Cuma tergantung macam tu lagi. Setiap kali nak balik rumah dari UPM, saya akan cakap “Ok, this is our last goodbye. Selamat tinggal UPM”

Yet I would still come back. Setiap kali balik, saya akan menganggap itulah kali terakhir mengucap selamat tinggal. A last proper goodbye.

Kenapa nak sambung balik belajar dekat UPM? Ada orang tanya.

Sebab saya tak tahu nak pergi mana lagi.

Bukan sebab saya cintakan UPM, jauh sekali. Sebab dekat sini je rasa selamat. Rasa macam everything is in place, secure. Kalau pergi tempat lain, kena start hidup baru. Dan saya rasa saya masih takut untuk menghadapi semua tu.

So buat masa sekarang, saya masih akan selalu singgah ke UPM. Perjalanan Serdang-KL-Temerloh dah jadi makanan.

The Road Not Taken

 

Unlikely famous as the poem, the quote itself is chanted over and over again whenever we meet a crossroads in life.

There again me in this dilemma. It was countless encounter, and I couldn’t recall the exact number of choices I had to choose along my life. But I’d remember the important roads I had taken and leaving the other not taken.

First encounter was when I was in Standard 6, whether to go to boarding school or stay at daily school. I chose boarding school over daily school.

Second encounter was after my PMR, whether to stay at MRSM Muar or to move to MRSM Jasin. I chose Jasin over Muar.

Third encounter after SPM, taking Diploma Ukur Bahan or doing one-year course in matrics. I chose matric.

Fourth, which university and what course to choose for my first degree? I got my second choice.

Now the fifth one is the hardest decision I have to make. Whether to continue my studies or to go to work.

Arguments kept fighting inside my head together with logics, statistics, and emotions. I’ve failed four interviews before, of which only one is related to my courses. If I am to work, am I ready enough for the challenges? And If I was to work with private companies, am I going to breach the contract with government? How many works are there available for environment students? I’m not being picky, but last time I went to interview, I could sense that I won’t be happy to work outside science field. I would prefer to contribute to society as a scientist, not as a banker.

Emotions also played an important role in my decision-making process. Jealousy of those friends who had now landing on their first jobs and now would be able to manage their own money, drive their own transport and live in their own house. And it is enough to make me questioning my qualities as a graduate.

Why I couldn’t get an equal good job? We have the same experience. Undeniably good grades.

Should I continue my study further so that after I graduate my income should be higher?

I met my lecturer earlier this day, and I went straight-talk to him. He asked me what would I do for my Master’s degree?

And I answered that I would like to do ecotoxicological modeling of ikan patin in Temerloh. And he was very pleased with the idea. I was glad that he liked it. And in my defense of rebutting the ‘go to work’ argument, I would say this is what I can do if I’m pursuing my studies further. Contributing to the world as a scientist.

But could the joy of doing my Master would overcome my disappointment of myself that was not very compatible in finding jobs? I don’t know. I seriously don’t.

But one thing that I believe as Muslim, our rezeki is all in God’s hand. Don’t be jealous of others, maybe they’ve got good jobs and all that but maybe you would get something better. Just keep your faith of Him strong, and believe that whatever you do you will have Him by your side. Don’t stop believing.

Sometimes the road not taken by others is the road that would channel you to success. If Allah’s will, then it would.

P/S: Congrats to everyone that had begun your first step in your career. Wish me luck with any path that I’m taking in the future.