28 July 2011

Identity Crisis

When people ask me, where are you from? I would promptly answer, “Pahang”. Little did they know that my state of origin doesn’t really constitute who I am.

Being born into a mixed family, I always could not relate to people surrounding me. To start with, my father is Arabian and my mother is Chinese. My father was the youngest of ten siblings, and he has Arab bloodline from his father, which would later honour him and his descendants with a ‘Syed’ title, which in English translates as ‘Master’. However, my father is really a Pahangite, and his mother tongue is not Arabic. He speaks Malay in Pahang accent.

My mother is a Chinese, born in Kampung Baru, Kuala Lumpur. When she was a few days old, my grandmother abandoned her and left her to a nurse of the hospital of which she was born at. By that time, Chinese people did not really appreciate girls in a family. If the family is poor, like my biological grandparents’, there are high possibilities for the family to give away the girls. My foster grandparents adopted her and gave her Malay name.

They took her and raise her in Kampung Chatin, Temerloh, Pahang. Though she looks like Chinese, she could not speak Mandarin, or Cantonese, or Hokkien. Instead, my foster grandparents used Malay with Kampar accent at home.

My mother then gave birth to seven siblings. Most of her children have Chinese look, including me. What would perplex people later is all of us have Syed’s and Syarifah’s as our surname even though we look like Chinese.

In my father’s family, we stood out like sore thumbs as all of us looked different. And unlike them, we could not speak Pahang accent with accuracy. It was because at home, my mother would speak standard Malay with us; our neighbours and my mother’s siblings communicate with Kampar accent; and only my father speaks with Pahang accent.

Sometimes, people wonder why I do not have any accent. I would rather answer because I had lived in boarding school since I was small. I think it would take much time to explain my situation. Even in school, I could not speak Pahang accent with my schoolmates.

Sometimes they looked down at me for the reason. For them, it is strange if you are living in an area your whole life but you don’t sound a bit like the rest.

Sometimes I did feel like a stranger, when I could not really speak the languages of people around me. When in boarding school and university, I speak standard Malay, but still with some slang from Pahang. When with my fathers’ family, I did not speak at all, and when with my mother’s family, again I have to listen to strange words uttered that sound a little bit like Minangkabau accent.

Nevertheless, I now don’t give a damn at all. As I grow up, I learned that your colour, language and thoughts are not important, as long as you have a good heart inside.

Pahang slang translation
Koi – saya
Awok – awak
Bela – baiki
Kampar slang translation
Paje ko ye – you little moron!
Panaih anyong – panas terik
Duduk ontok –ontok – sit quietly!















21 July 2011

KL ke Temerloh

“But his mother is yelling no,
and his father has told him to go, 
but his friend is nowhere to be seen,
as he walks through his sunken dream.”

– David Bowie, Life on Mars.

Bas, komuter, LRT, bas. Sampai balik rumah. Dalam 4 jam baru tamat perjalanan. Makin lama makin kerap ritual ni. Semua orang dah tanya “bila la ko nak habis duduk UPM?”

Saya tak tahu. Sebab saya pun tak pasti dengan masa depan. Menyusur ladang-ladang kelapa sawit dekat highway macam dah tengok pokok kuini depan rumah. Dah biasa sangat. Masa depan saya masih tergantung dekat UPM.

Not in a bad way, neither in a good way. Cuma tergantung macam tu lagi. Setiap kali nak balik rumah dari UPM, saya akan cakap “Ok, this is our last goodbye. Selamat tinggal UPM”

Yet I would still come back. Setiap kali balik, saya akan menganggap itulah kali terakhir mengucap selamat tinggal. A last proper goodbye.

Kenapa nak sambung balik belajar dekat UPM? Ada orang tanya.

Sebab saya tak tahu nak pergi mana lagi.

Bukan sebab saya cintakan UPM, jauh sekali. Sebab dekat sini je rasa selamat. Rasa macam everything is in place, secure. Kalau pergi tempat lain, kena start hidup baru. Dan saya rasa saya masih takut untuk menghadapi semua tu.

So buat masa sekarang, saya masih akan selalu singgah ke UPM. Perjalanan Serdang-KL-Temerloh dah jadi makanan.

20 July 2011

The Road Not Taken

Unlikely famous as the poem, the quote itself is chanted over and over again whenever we meet a crossroads in life.

There again me in this dilemma. It was countless encounter, and I couldn’t recall the exact number of choices I had to choose along my life. But I’d remember the important roads I had taken and leaving the other not taken.

First encounter was when I was in Standard 6, whether to go to boarding school or stay at daily school. I chose boarding school over daily school.

Second encounter was after my PMR, whether to stay at MRSM Muar or to move to MRSM Jasin. I chose Jasin over Muar.

Third encounter after SPM, taking Diploma Ukur Bahan or doing one-year course in matrics. I chose matric.
Fourth, which university and what course to choose for my first degree? I got my second choice.

Now the fifth one is the hardest decision I have to make. Whether to continue my studies or to go to work.
Arguments kept fighting inside my head together with logics, statistics, and emotions. I’ve failed four interviews before, of which only one is related to my courses. If I am to work, am I ready enough for the challenges? And If I was to work with private companies, am I going to breach the contract with government? How many works are there available for environment students?

I’m not being picky, but last time I went to interview, I could sense that I won’t be happy to work outside science field. I would prefer to contribute to society as a scientist, not as a banker.

Emotions also played an important role in my decision-making process. Jealousy of those friends who had now landing on their first jobs and now would be able to manage their own money, drive their own transport and live in their own house. And it is enough to make me questioning my qualities as a graduate.

Why I couldn’t get an equal good job? We have the same experience. Undeniably good grades.

Should I continue my study further so that after I graduate my income should be higher?
I met my lecturer earlier this day, and I went straight-talk to him. He asked me what would I do for my Master’s degree?

And I answered that I would like to do ecotoxicological modeling of ikan patin in Temerloh. And he was very pleased with the idea. I was glad that he liked it. And in my defense of rebutting the ‘go to work’ argument, I would say this is what I can do if I’m pursuing my studies further. Contributing to the world as a scientist.

But could the joy of doing my Master would overcome my disappointment of myself that was not very compatible in finding jobs? I don’t know. I seriously don’t.

But one thing that I believe as Muslim, our rezeki is all in God’s hand. Don’t be jealous of others, maybe they’ve got good jobs and all that but maybe you would get something better. Just keep your faith of Him strong, and believe that whatever you do you will have Him by your side. Don’t stop believing.
Sometimes the road not taken by others is the road that would channel you to success. If Allah’s will, then it would.

P/S: Congrats to everyone that had begun your first step in your career. Wish me luck with any path that I’m taking in the future.

01 July 2011

Interview FSTEP part 2

I: So sekarang awak baru sebulan grad. Cmne awak nak batalkan kontrak dengan JPA? Awak fresh sangat lagi!

S: tapi saya tak suka terikat. Walaupun saya ada kontrak, doesn’t mean that saya tak boleh start career saya sendiri. Saya tak rela dikongkong. Saya mesti ada inisiatif sendiri. Taknak tunggu orang suap.

I: Kami faham. Kami jugak banyak kali mengalami situasi ni. Kami nak amek budak JPA kerja, tapi deorg dah ada kontrak. It’s not only unfair to u, tapi untuk kami jugak! Berapa banyak budak yang kami lepaskan sebab ada kontrak. (time ni nada deorg dah lain. macam kecewa)

I: Awak takde cuba apply untuk kerja dengan kerajaan?

S: Saya dah isi borang SPA. tapi tulah. takde lagi berita.

I: kami faham masalah awak. tapi kami pun ada masalah yang sama. kami tak boleh letak awak dalam situasi double jeopardy.

S: -----

I: cuba awak terangkan tentang diri awak.

S: saya seorang yang caring, baik hati dan bersemangat waja.

I: so lebih kepada EQ side la…

S: Well, IQ saya…

I: Yes2, saya tau (dia potong saya cakap3coolangry). Awak memang cemerlang akademik. Yes, yes.
S: (fine. tau pon. hahaha!)

I: OK, awak sekarang, memang lah cemerlang, saya nampak awak boleh buat, tapi awak still takde advantage untuk internship ni berbanding budak2 yg lain. deorg dah 3 taun kot belajar finance, actuarial science, business admin. Macam mana awak nak level up dengan deorg? Awak langsung takde kaitan dengan bidang ni.

S: Walaupun saya takde degree dalam bidang perbankan n saya takde pengalaman 3 tahun dalam course banking, doesn’t mean deorg lebih bagus dari saya. Saya kuat fight, saya seorang fast learner dan saya takkan mengaku kalah dengan deorg. Walaupun masa 6 bulan tu pendek, saya sanggup berjuang untuk belajar ilmu baru dan menjadi lebih baik daripada deorg semua! (berapi gila!) Saya akan buktikan bahawa saya boleh buat internship ni, dan buktikan pada cik bahawa saya memang sesuai dipilih (masuk bakul angkat sendiri).

I: walaupun awak cakap awak fast learner, apa jaminan 6 bulan ni awak boleh jadi sebagus deorang? 6 bulan terlalu pendek berbanding 4 tahun deorg belajar dekat U. Yes, we have no doubt awak terer Statistik segala macam, tapi come on ar babe (yang ni saya reka sendiri, dia tak cakap pun come on babe), awak boleh ke kalahkan deorg?

S: (damn! apa lagi nak cakap ni?) Saya rasa saya buktikan banyak kali saya boleh achieve great things in my life. Saya sanggup belajar, n saya jugak ada basic jugak walaupun basic yang hampeh. Saya yakin dengan ability diri saya.

I: (masih tak puas hati)

I: so let’s move on to your bapak punya kerja. Bapak awak noreh getah?

S: Ha’ah.

I: bape luas tanah dia

S: dalam 15 ekar.

I: huyo. banyak tu. kayalah awak. getah sekarang harga mahal. semalam harga dia 12 dollar sekilo.

S: (senyum. tak tau respons yang seswai perlu diberikan)

I: I tell you, kalau tanah you, berapa luas tadi?

S: 15 ekar…

I: Ha, kalau 15 ekar, dalam 500 pokok, dalam sebulan bole dapat RM10,000! Banyak tu. Kenapa awak tak keje je dengan bapak awak? Awak tau tak, RM10,000 tu lagi banyak dari gaji kitorg yang keje bank ni. Kalau saya ada tanah, saya tanam je getah!

S: Em, tapi nak toreh getah kena guna teknik betul. Kalau salah potong, nanti pokok tu luka! Lagipun ayah saya yang menoreh pokok sorang.

I: Awak cakap awak terror. Masuk utan segala bagai. Bole tahan cabaran la, bole masuk sungai la. Takkan belajar noreh getah tak boleh?

S: (Terkesima) Tapi ayah saya tak bagi noreh getah. Dia tanak anak2 dia noreh cm dia (masa ni tetiba rasa sedih teringat Abah. rasa menghargai pengorbanan Abah…) Ayah saya tanak anak2 ikut jejak langkah dia. (alasan semata2. teknik digunakan untuk membuatkan interviewer percaya kita betul2 perlukan kerja ni)

I: Lah, awak dengan degree Environment boleh membantu ayah awak dekat ladang. Dengan cara nilah awak buktikan degree Environment bukan kerja bidang Environment je. lagipun saya rasa kerja Environment lagi related dengan ladang daripada kerja bank. Saya rasa awak boleh cari jalan untuk manage ladang, tolong ayah awak. Dapatkan keuntungan. Getah sekarang is gold! Ada awak buat? (nampak interview mula rasa saya tak perlukan job ni. sebab ada alternatif yang lebih baik)

S: (Masa untuk menipu!) Ada. Bila cuti je saya tolong ayah saya kutip getah. Pastu tolong jual. Setiap kali cuti saya tolong dia. (tipu gile kot. tak penah nolong Abah…). Saya tak dapat tolong dia time belaja jelah.

I: And ayah awak tak perlu buat semua kerja. Dia supervise jelah pekerja dia.

S: Dah penah buat. Dulu dia upah pekerja Indonesia, tapi deorg buat kerja cincai. Nak cepat siap. Pokok getah luka. So ayah saya dah tak bagi orang lain noreh getah.

I: Tak kisahlah. Suruhlah ayah awak ajar deorg betul2.
Pastu entah camne sembang2, masuk bab industrial training.

S: Saya dulu praktikal dengan gajah. Dari pagi sampai malam jaga gajah. Malam2 bagi dia susu. So ini sekali lagi membuktikan saya seorang yang kuat fight n bekerja keras.

I: Awak cakap awak seorang fighter. Apa perlawanan paling awak fight sepanjang awak hidup?
S: (Mak aih. apa ni? napa tanya mcm ni?)  Saya rasa masa saya masuk debate dulu kot. Kitorg dpt menang nombor 2 sebab kitorg fight gila2! (Hezy, Deenie, Rash, Su et al. I tumpang u guys punya achievement ya!)

I: That’s it? Setakat lawan debate je?

S: (Mak aih mak cik ni! Nape begitu particular) Em, masa mak saya ditimpa kemalangan, saya jugak telah fight untuk siapkan final year project saya. Masa tu cuti, saya dok UPM nak siapkan FYP. pastu mak ditimpa kecelakaan. ada masanya saya nak balik temankan mak, tapi terpaksa siapkan FYP jugak.

I: So apa yang awak fight? Camne konflik mak awak accident dgn FYP awak boleh bertembung?

S: sebab masa tu saya depressed. Masa mak saya perlukan anak2 dia untuk menjalani treatment, saya takde untuk bagi sapot. Instead, saya kena siapkan FYP dalam keadaan tertekan. so saya fight balik perasaan tension tu dan siapkan FYP saya. n hadiahkan degree saya untuk mak saya.

I: Ok, n awak punya FYP tak boleh buat dkt rumah ke?
S: (sahlah deorg ni bukan org sains. mana boleh. rumah saya takde lab la) Tak boleh. sebab saya kena gunakan plot yang memang sedia untuk cultivate cacing dekat UPM. n setiap hari kena cek pH tanah, kelembapan. kalau tanah tak cukup lembab, kena siram air.

I: So, FYP awak pasal apa?

S: nak rawat sisa kumbahan menggunakan cacing. bila cacing tu diberi makan biosolid tu, dia akan remove heavy metals.

I: and, species apa awak guna? species biasa atau species yang lain?

S: bukan jugak spesies local. satu tu spesies Tigerworm. Eisena fetida. Lagi satu spesies redworm, Lumbricus rubellus. Saya guna dua spesies nilah.

I: Sewage sludge tu sludge dari mana?

S: Indah Water Konsortium.

I: Means sludge dia mengandungi…

S: em, sisa najis…

I: Human feces lah kan?

S: haah. najis manusia.

I: So kenapa awak tak mintak kerja Indah Water?

S: (kenapa dia tanya soalan ni? Purke?) sebab saya baru sebulan grad (cik puan oi!). So takde masa lagi. tapi dalam masa terdekat saya akan apply la. Takkan saya sempat nak anta resume kat sume company. (ingat aku robot ke?)

I: Okla. (Pastu deorg saling berpandangan n angguk2) Awak ada nak tanya apa2?

S: em. xde da. cuma nak cakap yang saya sangat berharap saya akan diberi peluang menonjolkan bakat saya. Saya jugak nak cakap saya sangat excited nak join program ni, walau apapun yang cik cakap.

I: (angguk2. “lantak ko la. sapa suruh kontrak ngn JPA, dah kitorg xnak amek ko”, kata mereka (agaknyalah) dalam hati.)

S: Ok, bubye, kawe nok tubik dulu deh! Timo kasihlah demo sudi mendengar!

I: Samo2. g lekah tubik.

End of story.

MORAL:
1. Scholar JPA akan hadapi masalah bila nak apply private sector

2. Jangan limitkan kerjaya pada satu bidang. Be open minded n fight sehabis mungkin untuk satu keje time interview, walaupun kije takde kaitan dengan Degree.

3. Ada benda yang kita tak nampak pada diri kita yang interviewer nampak dan point at. Walaupun kita tak dapat kerja, tapi still kita akan belajar new things bout ourselves yang kita tak pernah perasan. Macam saya, baru saya sedar kata2 interviewer ttg menoreh getah. Dari kerja bank tension mcm deorg, baik tolong Abah noreh getah!

4. Lepas join satu2 interview, secara tak langsung pengalaman dan pengetahuan bertambah. Jangan kecewa bila fail interview. Kalau nak kecewa pun sekejap je. Pastu cari balik kerja lain. At least dah ada pengalaman baru dan jumpa kawan baru.
Itu saja peeps this time! Besok nak balik kampung halaman, nak start babysit Akmal. Bubye uols!
Hey, we've just launched a new custom color Blogger template. You'll like it - https://t.co/quGl87I2PZ
Join Our Newsletter